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[humorix] What About Bill?

What About Bill?
November 9, 1999

In the wake of Judge Jackson's harsh Findings Of Fact
against Microsoft, everybody has an opinion -- and isn't
afraid to share it. We here at Humorix picked out a group
of people at "random" and asked them to share their
thoughts about the ruling.

BEOS ADVOCATE: Yeeeesss!  My stock broker called me a fool
for investing my life savings in Be Inc., but now who's
laughing? Thanks to Jackson's ruling, and the small hope
that a Microsoft competitor might actually survive for
longer than a week, Be's stock has skyrocketed.  I've made
enough to buy that Tempest device I've had my eye on.

LINUS TORVALDS: All of this will be rendered mute when
Transmeta announces its new product in December.  The
industry will undergo a paradigm shift and Microsoft will
soon become the next Digital Research.  Hmmm... maybe I
shouldn't talk about that now. Forget everything I just
said... This comment is not here yet.

JOE SCHMOE ON THE STREET: I can't believe the Big Evil
Government is tormenting the most innovative people in the
software industry! I'm talking about Linux... I mean,
c'mon, Judge Jackon's statement that Linux is a "fringe
operating system" is just plain wrong. The Government
should have no right to persecute Linux and Open Source
like this...

BILL GATES: Will you people stop bothering me?  I'm Bill
Gates from Winchester, Tennessee, not Redmond!  Sheesh. 
The Gummit shouldn't be investigating companies like
Microsoft, it needs to investigate idiot reporters like you
who bug people like me for no good reason!  Oh, and what's
this crap I keep hearing about Lennox?  They make the worst
heating and air conditioning systems around.  If
Microsoft's so-called "anti-competitive" practices are
preventing Lennox from gaining marketshare, then I say,

SLASHDOT USER: This is excellent news!  I haven't thought
about remedies yet... well, you know, I can think of one
thing the court should do: require that Microsoft remove
the Dancing Paper Clip and associated crap from Office...
Oh, and while they're at it, get rid of those
multi-megabyte easter eggs.  Why does Excel need a flight
simulator?  So I can see the Blue Screen of Death in 3D? 
Oh, and another thing, the court needs to put a hex on

... P.S. I hate it when Ziff-Davis or MSNBC quotes my
Slashdot comments, snips... portions... of them and then
takes them out of context!  If another portal site quotes
me without attribution, they're going to find themselves at
the wrong end of a Denial Of Service attack!

FRED MOODY: [squinting, as if trying to read a press
release on a distant computer screen] The government must
not infringe on Microsoft's freedom to innovate.  This
trial is a travesty of justice.  Microsoft has succeeded
because the company has been guided by the most basic
American values: innovation, integrity... and um
[muttering]... I can't read that line... screwing
customers?  serfing customers?  Oh, [louder] serving
customers.  Windows NT is cool.  The only people that don't
use (and enjoy) Microsoft solutions are longhaired
get-back-to-Earth hippie spiritualists bent on world

whole trial is a conspiracy concocted by Bill Gates.  He
knows that he stands to make even more billions if
Microsoft is broken up into Baby Bills... just like
Rockefeller did with Standard Oil, and stockholders did
with Ma Bell.  Bill Gates actually wants the DOJ to win. 
That's why he's been so arrogant in court; he wants Judge
Jackson to throw the book at him!  It will be a very
lucrative book.  The faked Windows video?  His amnesia
during the video deposition?  It's all a ruse to fool
Microsoft stockholders... and us.  

WALL STREET JOURNAL COLUMNIST: I can't believe this is
happening. Clearly Judge Jackson has been subverted -- dare
I say bribed? -- by Microsoft's enemies who don't want to
compete fairly.  Red Hat, Apple, Be, Sun, AOL... it's all a
planned corruption of the American legal system.  I'll be
watching Jackson to see if he retires to the Bahamas after
the trial is over...

ECONOMICS PROFESSOR: The Findings Of Fact is full of
errors, generalizations, and subjective conclusions.  The
Appeals Court is going to eat Jackson alive.  I mean, for
one thing, Microsoft certainly has a larger market share
for PC operating systems than the paltry 95% figure that's
cited.  I can't even think of any competing software... my
students keep talking about something called LIE-nix, but I
think that's just some obscure inside joke about the
Peanuts character rather than an actual product.  

LINUX LONGHAIR: If Microsoft is a monopoly, then that means
Linux doesn't stand a chance.  But if Microsoft is not a
monopoly, then the court won't act, so Linux still won't
stand a chance.  This sucks.

RICHARD M. STALLMAN: This Judge Jackson just doesn't "get
it".  How many times do I have to tell people it's
"GNU/Linux"?!?  And Jackson referred to "Open Source", not
"Free Software".  What a joke.

JON SPLATZ: I hate this.  On the one hand I hate Microsoft,
but on the other hand I absolutely loath lawyers.  If the
DOJ is successful and the lawyers strike another victory,
then we're just one step closer to the Lawyerclysm.  But if
Microsoft wins, then we have to worry about the Billclysm,
a future in which Microsoft sells every single product in
the world.  This sucks. Who am I supposed to root for?  Oh,
and will I ever get my Windows refund?

ANONYMOUS COWARD: Don't get too ecstatic, we all know
what's going to happen next. This so-called trial is
rigged, just like wrestling and boxing. Microsoft is the
Don King of the software industry... they control who
wins.  I've been told that if you call Microsoft's legal
department hotline, you get a recorded message that says,
"For the verdicts of past Microsoft court cases, press 1. 
For the verdicts of future Microsoft court cases, press


James S. Baughn

Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
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