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humor: nov 10 -- Lawrence Welk-isms

                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List

Lawrence Welk's mastery of English was not quite
100%. Here are some examples of his "Welkisms",
compiled by Dick Wilson, a sound mixer who worked on
"The Lawrence Welk Show" for more than three decades.

	Lawrence WHO??  Welk was a band leader
	whose "champagne music" was popular for
	years both live and on his TV show.
	A WUN and a TWO and a .....

"Now the band will play a medley of tunes
from World War Eye [World War I]."

During an audience warm-up: "I just wrote a book,
but don't go out and buy it yet, because I don't
think it's finished yet."

"There are good days and there are bad days,
and this is one of them."

Introducing a guest performer: "His act may start out
slow, but it tapers off."

Referring to rock music: "That's not my cup of dish."

"How do you spell conductor after C-U-N?"

To the band just before going on the air:
"Boys, look like you're having
fun, but don't have any."

"I just had an idea that went right over my head."

"Whenever you have a minute I'd like to see you right now."

To a performer who apologized for
being late and said he had no excuse:
"That's no excuse"

About a vocalist who auditioned: "She has a nice voice,
but she looks a little bit too much like Eleanor Roosevelt."

To the dress rehearsal audience about the use of a phony turkey
on the set of a Thanksgiving show: "Don't worry, folks, this will
be a real turkey when it gets on the air."

"I just let it in one ear and out the top of my head."

When a group of people came in to discuss problems in the band:
"You know, when people band together, it causes a house divided."

Referring to a singing duo he first heard perform at a nightclub:
"They were so good, I could hardly wait to get out of there."

"Boys, if you don't stick together,
how do you expect me to follow you-ah?"

"You know, it's a long world."

To the pianist who was rehearsing:
"Why do you do that?
You play too many notes already."

"That's what really broke the camel's straw."

After a jet plane flew over and disrupted rehearsal:
You know, those jet planes make masonic booms."

                         (- o)

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