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[humorix] Judge Jackson Reverses Himself

Judge Jackson Reverses Himself
Matthew Roberts, matt@frugal.org
November 10, 1999

WASHINGTON, D. C. -- In an unprecedented and unexpected
development, Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson reversed himself
today regarding his finding of fact in the Microsoft
antitrust case.  Accompanied by representatives from the
Microsoft Corporation, the judge announced at an impromptu
press conference that he had been "premature" in his
judgment of the Redmond software behemoth.

"It's obvious," said the judge, "that Microsoft does not
have monopoly power.  Consumers have many choices. A quick
perusal of the classified ads in your local paper will show
that there are thousands of Commodore 64 and Apple ][c
computers for sale.  Garage sales are a literal treasure
trove when it comes to buying competing operating systems."

The judge also revealed that his personal envy of Bill
Gates unduly influenced his decision.  "Yeah, I admit that
I'm jealous of the brilliant Mr. Gates.  I mean, he makes
more money in one hour than I made in my entire three year
career as a lawyer.  And I did a [expletive deleted] of a
lot of double billing," the judge was quoted as saying.

Despite the impromptu nature of the press conference --
Judge Jackson had no prepared notes -- the proceedings went
very smoothly except for a minor incident during the
question and answer session.  While answering a question
regarding his comments that "Microsoft's products are
popular because we've -- I mean they've -- focused on their
customers and innovated to meet their needs," the judge
hesitated slightly.  A reporter from another news service
said he heard Judge Jackson mumble something about an
"illegal operation" and his face went blank. Other
reporters say it appeared that his eyes took on a blue tint
and he was about to fall over when a Microsoft technician
put out a hand to steady the judge.  There was a slight
whirring sound and then the judge seemed to be back to his
normal self.

The judge also took the time to clarify his views on Linux.
He said that now was a good time to expose some of the
myths about the rogue operating system.  "Did you know," he
told the packed house, "that the Linux swap file is limited
to 128 Megabytes?"  He noted the superiority of Windows
NT's "fine-grained kernel locks."  The judge also revealed
possible sinister under tones to the Linux OS. "I was
shocked and appalled to find that a search for `more evil
than Satan' turned up Linus Torvalds' home page as the
first hit on the msn.google.com search engine."

Wall Street reacted favorably to the news as shares of
Microsoft stock (Nasdaq: HAHA) were up 7 5/8 in heavy
trading.  Representatives from both the DOJ and Microsoft's
new Robotics & Artificial Intelligence Department were
unavailable for comment at press time.

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