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humor: dec 10 -- Comfort and Joy

                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List


The restroom door said "Gentleman"
And so I walked inside
I took two step and realised
I'd been taken for a ride
	I heard high voices, turned
	and found the place was occupied
By two nuns three old ladies and a nurse
What could be worse
Than two old nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

The restroom door said "gentlemen"
It must have been a joke
As soon as I had walked in there
Some gal gave me a poke.
	She sprayed my with a can of mace
	I thought that I would croak,
For I can't breathe with com-fort or joy
Boy oh boy
Now I cannot breathe with com-fort and joy.



My dearest darling Edward,            Dec 25
   What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in
that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!
Bless you, and thank you.
           Your deeply loving

Beloved Edward,                  Dec 26
   The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the
pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
           With undying love, as always,

My darling Edward,                Dec 27
   You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending
anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France?
It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway,
thank you so much; they're lovely.
           Your devoted Emily

Dearest Edward,                  Dec 28
   What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very
sweet, even if they do call rather loudly--they make telephoning almost
impossible--but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new
home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
           Love from Emily

Dearest Edward,                  Dec 29
   The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for
each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier,
in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four
that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none
of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to
"wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only
joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
           Bless you,

Dear Edward,                   Dec 30
   Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning,
it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch.
Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no
room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you
meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Edward,                      Dec 31
   I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more
than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather
not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full
of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind
them, so please, please, stop!
           Your Emily

                          Jan 1
   Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And
their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it
very amusing.

Look here, Edward,                Jan 2
   This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing.
All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not
ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless
viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and
it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I
do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

                          Jan 3
   As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down
all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the
cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking
inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are
trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

                          Jan 4
   This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now
become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the
council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been
spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an
ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.

Sir,                       Jan 5
   Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with
the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion
section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she
has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you
importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much
assorted livestock.
                     I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
                          G. Creep
                          Attorney at law


Mikey's Thot for the Day:
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

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              humor                            1.94.3+ 9908