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[humorix] Comdex Advertisement in PC Magasine


It says something like:

 	  blah blah blah
            blah blah blah


t*rv*lds@helinsk.fi, GODDAMNIT!!!
 ^---- save our great leader from spam

Noah Paul <noahp@altavista.net>

PGP Public Key:	http://uhuru.dhs.org/~noahp/pgp2.6.3.asc
Fingerprint:	63 25 54 68 F2 DD B1 A6 29 99 AC 61 BD 3E 39

``The worst enemies of the new revolutionaries are the old liberals.'' 
	 -- Lenin

Do you think your kids should be as smart and healthy as your boss's kids?
We do! David McReynolds for President -- Vote Socialist in 2000.

On Wed, 29 Sep 1999, James Baughn wrote:

> The Coming Lawyerclysm
> Jon Splatz, Humorix Pundit & Social Commentator
> September 29, 1999
> There are hordes of serious-minded people who insist that
> the legal system is driving us towards a Lawyerclysm, when
> humanity becomes overwhelmed as it tries and fails to cope
> with the increasing complexity and absurdity of laws and
> legal arguments.
> Even now, nobody can really keep up, and only a few can
> even fake it. Everyone is frantic, stressed, tethered,
> broke or worn out trying to manage. We are bombarded by
> patents, and copyrights, and bonehead laws, and lawsuits we
> certainly do not need or understand, that move more quickly
> and do more unpleasant things than we want, that we can
> barely grasp, let alone deal with.
> The complaints and alarms are piling up. 
> Author James Keite in "Speedier" complains that the
> judicial system is forcing everything to move too quickly.
> In his new collection of essays, Arthur Z. Lark writes "I
> have seen the future and it's patented." 
> The typical twenty-first-century person's day, he predicts,
> will include: "Checking email, phone, and fax to see if any
> legal notices have arrived; skimming the news to keep track
> of new laws, regulations, and rules that were enacted;
> conferring with overpriced lawyers about pending lawsuits;
> attending court either in person or via closed-circuit
> holographic projection; talking with insurance adjustors to
> reduce future liabilities; exploring the Microsoft HyperWeb
> for tips on how to beat the IRS (12 million tax laws and
> counting)..."
> And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
> Anti-Lawyer Patrick Buyer goes further, warning in his
> books that lawyers are destroying the world. He wants us to
> kill all the lawyers to save the planet -- and ourselves. 
> In his apocalyptic new dirge "Staring Into The Gavel,"
> author Bob Labeller proclaims that western civilization
> itself is coming to an end. 
> Believe me, these predictions are not bullshit.  The
> ongoing legal battle between Humorix and Microsoft is proof
> of this proposition.  
> You've no doubt been following the exchange of legal
> verbiage between the two parties over the last few weeks.
> It gets worse.  Here's the certified letter that arrived
> from the bowels of the Microsoft Empire earlier today:
> ---
> Dear Mr. Morals, et al,
> Your challenging of the Microsoft GPL (Grossly Private
> License) by referring to the Humorix ClosedHumor Public
> License is not valid, because we in no way agreed to this
> license.
>      * By opening Port 80 of the Humorix website, you agree
>        to these terms. If you do not agree to the terms,
>        return the electrons you have received and
>        immediately close your browser.
> We did not open port 80 of your website. We have accessed
> your website through www-proxy1307.aol.com, so by your own
> terms, AOL agreed to the Humorix ClosedHumor Public
> License. Microsoft is not bound to any agreements AOL made
> with you or anyone else.
> Even if we had accessed your port 80 directly, your license
> would be invalid, because we could not read it before
> accessing port 80. You, on the other hand, you can read the
> Microsoft GPL (Grossly Private License) without opening the
> envelope: remove the stamp and use a microscope with a
> magnification factor of at least thousand (1000) where the
> stamp was.
> Also, I consider myself forced to point out that your
> license violates another Microsoft patent.
>      * You agree to purchase at least ten (10) shares of
>        Humorix stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) within one (1) week and
>        to hold said shares for at least one (1) year.
> Microsoft owns a patent on "the concept of using one
> product to force people to use another product". Previous
> usage includes putting Internet Explorer in Windows, the
> fact that WindowsUpdate.microsoft.com cannot be accessed
> with Netscape, and our placing of MSN icons on the desktop
> of all computer users.
> If you are a member of the Microsoft PBN (Patent Builder
> Network), you can check all Microsoft-owned patents online
> via the Microsoft Network (IE required).  To sign up for a
> PBN account, you need to be a MSCL (Microsoft Certified
> Lawyer). Membership is $50,000 p.a., with a free trial
> period of twelve (12) seconds.
> Thank you for your attention.
> Signed,
> C. A. Pitalist
> Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department
> Pat N. Twar, Esq.
> Deputy Under-Secretary, Patent Protection Division,
> Microsoft Legal Dept.
> T. H. Eft
> Under-Sub-Lawyer, Microsoft Patents & Innovations
> Department
> ---
> This is sickening.  But not as bad as the reply that Mr.
> Noah Morals, Humorix lawyer, just sent back:
> ---
> Dear Microsoft Legal Department,
> Thank you for reporting the bug in the Humorix ClosedHumor
> Public License.  My legal assistants have prepared an
> upgrade -- version 1.1 -- that fixes this and other known
> issues, and adds new features and usability enhancements. 
> The text of the upgraded license is 1.2 MB in length.
> The upgraded license states, "You may not read, copy,
> distribute, disseminate, laugh at, or modify any Humorix
> content unless you have accepted the terms of this
> License.  Any usage of Humorix material without accepting
> this License is illegal and will be prosecuted as 'portal
> piracy'.  If you decline to accept this License, (a)
> immediately delete any Humorix material you may have
> inadvertantly downloaded, and (b) reboot your computer.
> We must inform you that Humorix has just applied for -- and
> received -- the following patent:
>      * The construction of a device that enables the user
>        to fully read the contents of a folded paper
>        container [envelope] without breaking the seal on
>        said container.
> We have used such a device extensively at Humorix; indeed,
> we just used it to read your previous correspondence
> without opening the envelope, which means that we have not
> accepted your poorly-worded Grossly Private License. 
> Sorry... thanks for playing.
> Finally, after extensive research we have uncovered that
> Microsoft's patent claim on "the concept of using one
> product to force people to use another product" in null and
> void.  We have found extensive prior art in this field.  
> For instance, McDonalds has used hamburgers to force people
> to buy French fries for the past several decades.  The
> question "Do you want fries with that?" is an obvious
> implementation of this concept.  In addition, gun
> manufacturers have employed this concept to force consumers
> to buy ammunition, scopes, targets, and gun safes.  Humorix
> is not in violation of this patent, which has clearly been
> a part of the public domain since the dawn of Capitalism. 
> As stated before: Sorry... thanks for playing.
> Thank you for your time.
> Sincerely,
> Mr. Noah Morals, 
> Official Humorix Lawyer
> Ms. Ava Rice,
> Secretary for the Lowe & Morals Law Firm
> ---
> The two lawyers focus on trivial, picayune details that are
> completely irrelevant to the original conflict (a patent on
> portal websites). And yet these two parties are arguing
> about every tiny detail as if it's a life or death
> struggle.  Mr. Morals acts as if he _wants_ Microsoft to
> swoop down and file the Mother Of All Lawsuits against
> Humorix.
> This is insane.  If this trend of rampant lawyerism
> continues, every person in the western world will spend
> every waking moment engaged in a struggle against opposing
> lawyers.  The ancient Romans had colisseums for gladiator
> fights; 21st century America will have courtrooms for
> fight-to-the-death legal battles.
> We're headed for a Lawyerclysm (I just made this term up),
> a catastrophic collision between people, lawyers, judges,
> politicians, and the so-called judicial system. We won't be
> consumed by evil aliens or runaway nanotech machines, as
> sci-fi futurists have long predicted. Instead, all progress
> and evolution will stop as we find ourselves sinking into
> the quicksand of the Paperwork Age, where the lawyer's pen
> is mightier than the sword.
> That leaves most of us holding the bag, confronted with two
> noxious choices: to fall back to an anarchistic State of
> Nature, or to attend law school and hope to become a bona
> fide lawyercrat and participate in the runaway LawyerBinge.
> Write me at jonsplatz@i-want-a-website.com
> -
> Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
> Archive:      http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
> Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

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Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/