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[humorix] Comdex Advertisement in PC Magasine
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It says something like:
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT????? HUH???
^---- save our great leader from spam
Noah Paul <firstname.lastname@example.org>
PGP Public Key: http://uhuru.dhs.org/~noahp/pgp2.6.3.asc
Fingerprint: 63 25 54 68 F2 DD B1 A6 29 99 AC 61 BD 3E 39
``The worst enemies of the new revolutionaries are the old liberals.''
Do you think your kids should be as smart and healthy as your boss's kids?
We do! David McReynolds for President -- Vote Socialist in 2000.
On Wed, 29 Sep 1999, James Baughn wrote:
> The Coming Lawyerclysm
> Jon Splatz, Humorix Pundit & Social Commentator
> September 29, 1999
> There are hordes of serious-minded people who insist that
> the legal system is driving us towards a Lawyerclysm, when
> humanity becomes overwhelmed as it tries and fails to cope
> with the increasing complexity and absurdity of laws and
> legal arguments.
> Even now, nobody can really keep up, and only a few can
> even fake it. Everyone is frantic, stressed, tethered,
> broke or worn out trying to manage. We are bombarded by
> patents, and copyrights, and bonehead laws, and lawsuits we
> certainly do not need or understand, that move more quickly
> and do more unpleasant things than we want, that we can
> barely grasp, let alone deal with.
> The complaints and alarms are piling up.
> Author James Keite in "Speedier" complains that the
> judicial system is forcing everything to move too quickly.
> In his new collection of essays, Arthur Z. Lark writes "I
> have seen the future and it's patented."
> The typical twenty-first-century person's day, he predicts,
> will include: "Checking email, phone, and fax to see if any
> legal notices have arrived; skimming the news to keep track
> of new laws, regulations, and rules that were enacted;
> conferring with overpriced lawyers about pending lawsuits;
> attending court either in person or via closed-circuit
> holographic projection; talking with insurance adjustors to
> reduce future liabilities; exploring the Microsoft HyperWeb
> for tips on how to beat the IRS (12 million tax laws and
> And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
> Anti-Lawyer Patrick Buyer goes further, warning in his
> books that lawyers are destroying the world. He wants us to
> kill all the lawyers to save the planet -- and ourselves.
> In his apocalyptic new dirge "Staring Into The Gavel,"
> author Bob Labeller proclaims that western civilization
> itself is coming to an end.
> Believe me, these predictions are not bullshit. The
> ongoing legal battle between Humorix and Microsoft is proof
> of this proposition.
> You've no doubt been following the exchange of legal
> verbiage between the two parties over the last few weeks.
> It gets worse. Here's the certified letter that arrived
> from the bowels of the Microsoft Empire earlier today:
> Dear Mr. Morals, et al,
> Your challenging of the Microsoft GPL (Grossly Private
> License) by referring to the Humorix ClosedHumor Public
> License is not valid, because we in no way agreed to this
> * By opening Port 80 of the Humorix website, you agree
> to these terms. If you do not agree to the terms,
> return the electrons you have received and
> immediately close your browser.
> We did not open port 80 of your website. We have accessed
> your website through www-proxy1307.aol.com, so by your own
> terms, AOL agreed to the Humorix ClosedHumor Public
> License. Microsoft is not bound to any agreements AOL made
> with you or anyone else.
> Even if we had accessed your port 80 directly, your license
> would be invalid, because we could not read it before
> accessing port 80. You, on the other hand, you can read the
> Microsoft GPL (Grossly Private License) without opening the
> envelope: remove the stamp and use a microscope with a
> magnification factor of at least thousand (1000) where the
> stamp was.
> Also, I consider myself forced to point out that your
> license violates another Microsoft patent.
> * You agree to purchase at least ten (10) shares of
> Humorix stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) within one (1) week and
> to hold said shares for at least one (1) year.
> Microsoft owns a patent on "the concept of using one
> product to force people to use another product". Previous
> usage includes putting Internet Explorer in Windows, the
> fact that WindowsUpdate.microsoft.com cannot be accessed
> with Netscape, and our placing of MSN icons on the desktop
> of all computer users.
> If you are a member of the Microsoft PBN (Patent Builder
> Network), you can check all Microsoft-owned patents online
> via the Microsoft Network (IE required). To sign up for a
> PBN account, you need to be a MSCL (Microsoft Certified
> Lawyer). Membership is $50,000 p.a., with a free trial
> period of twelve (12) seconds.
> Thank you for your attention.
> C. A. Pitalist
> Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department
> Pat N. Twar, Esq.
> Deputy Under-Secretary, Patent Protection Division,
> Microsoft Legal Dept.
> T. H. Eft
> Under-Sub-Lawyer, Microsoft Patents & Innovations
> This is sickening. But not as bad as the reply that Mr.
> Noah Morals, Humorix lawyer, just sent back:
> Dear Microsoft Legal Department,
> Thank you for reporting the bug in the Humorix ClosedHumor
> Public License. My legal assistants have prepared an
> upgrade -- version 1.1 -- that fixes this and other known
> issues, and adds new features and usability enhancements.
> The text of the upgraded license is 1.2 MB in length.
> The upgraded license states, "You may not read, copy,
> distribute, disseminate, laugh at, or modify any Humorix
> content unless you have accepted the terms of this
> License. Any usage of Humorix material without accepting
> this License is illegal and will be prosecuted as 'portal
> piracy'. If you decline to accept this License, (a)
> immediately delete any Humorix material you may have
> inadvertantly downloaded, and (b) reboot your computer.
> We must inform you that Humorix has just applied for -- and
> received -- the following patent:
> * The construction of a device that enables the user
> to fully read the contents of a folded paper
> container [envelope] without breaking the seal on
> said container.
> We have used such a device extensively at Humorix; indeed,
> we just used it to read your previous correspondence
> without opening the envelope, which means that we have not
> accepted your poorly-worded Grossly Private License.
> Sorry... thanks for playing.
> Finally, after extensive research we have uncovered that
> Microsoft's patent claim on "the concept of using one
> product to force people to use another product" in null and
> void. We have found extensive prior art in this field.
> For instance, McDonalds has used hamburgers to force people
> to buy French fries for the past several decades. The
> question "Do you want fries with that?" is an obvious
> implementation of this concept. In addition, gun
> manufacturers have employed this concept to force consumers
> to buy ammunition, scopes, targets, and gun safes. Humorix
> is not in violation of this patent, which has clearly been
> a part of the public domain since the dawn of Capitalism.
> As stated before: Sorry... thanks for playing.
> Thank you for your time.
> Mr. Noah Morals,
> Official Humorix Lawyer
> Ms. Ava Rice,
> Secretary for the Lowe & Morals Law Firm
> The two lawyers focus on trivial, picayune details that are
> completely irrelevant to the original conflict (a patent on
> portal websites). And yet these two parties are arguing
> about every tiny detail as if it's a life or death
> struggle. Mr. Morals acts as if he _wants_ Microsoft to
> swoop down and file the Mother Of All Lawsuits against
> This is insane. If this trend of rampant lawyerism
> continues, every person in the western world will spend
> every waking moment engaged in a struggle against opposing
> lawyers. The ancient Romans had colisseums for gladiator
> fights; 21st century America will have courtrooms for
> fight-to-the-death legal battles.
> We're headed for a Lawyerclysm (I just made this term up),
> a catastrophic collision between people, lawyers, judges,
> politicians, and the so-called judicial system. We won't be
> consumed by evil aliens or runaway nanotech machines, as
> sci-fi futurists have long predicted. Instead, all progress
> and evolution will stop as we find ourselves sinking into
> the quicksand of the Paperwork Age, where the lawyer's pen
> is mightier than the sword.
> That leaves most of us holding the bag, confronted with two
> noxious choices: to fall back to an anarchistic State of
> Nature, or to attend law school and hope to become a bona
> fide lawyercrat and participate in the runaway LawyerBinge.
> Write me at email@example.com
> Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
> Archive: http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
> Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/
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Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/