[humorix] Wisconsin Y2K Domination Attempt Fails

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Dave Finton, Disappointed by Y2K Non-Event, Attempts to
Conquer Wisconsin Anyways

Dave Finton, surazal@nerp.net
January 3, 2000

Dave Finton, intrepid Humorix writer (at least when he's
not lazy, which is never) became enraged when he discovered
that the Y2K crisis, as it was called back in 1856, failed
to collapse civilization as we know it.  "I invested 20
dollars in bread, ammunition, and a movie theater ticket to
go see 'Galaxy Quest', and look!" cried Dave as he
brandished the plastic Darth Maul style light sabre he won
after eating 4,670 Taco Bell burritos in a promotional
contest.  "The lights are still on and L.A. hasn't burned
to the ground!  What a crock!!"

Dave, ever possessed with the entreprenuerial spirit,
decided that his goal of becoming the undisputed despot of
northern Wisconsin should not be hampered by a major
disaster such as the continuation of society as we know
it.  He set out to the Great Cheese State to set into
motion his plans of global (or at least a small portion
thereof) conquest.

John, a person who refers to himself as a friend of Dave's
whenever Dave has money, commented "Yeah, I bummed him a
ride.  Cripes I wish he'd get a car!  He even tried to get
out of paying for gas, the cheap bastard!"

Dave went door to door, informing the general population
that he was now in fact their new leader and demanded that
they pay tribute to him.  One resident who went by the name
"Hey You! Get Off My Lawn!" said to reporters "I just
looked at the guy funny and told him that he was in
Ontario, not Wisconsin."  "Hey You!" then punctuated his
point with an emphatic "Eh".

"That's what he gets for trying to pay for the ride with
old burrito wrappers with pictures of George Washington
scrawled on them," said John in response to this.  "Geez, I
would have at least drawn Benjamin Franklin on them.  Some
undisputed despot he is!"  Shares of Taco Bell were down 2
points on Wall Street and up 1-1/2 points in Bob's Stock
Emporium after news of this hit the wires.

Reactions in the world-wide community were mixed.  Comments
ranged from "What the hell?" to "What the hell?" with every
kind of opinion in between.  Alan Greenspan commented,
"What the hell?", causing the Dow to drop 51 points within
3 minutes.  However, we at Humorix discovered that
Greenspan's comment was actually referring to LinuxOne's
IPO plans.

"Welp, back to Square One," said Dave.  "I guess I'll have
to wait until the Y10K problem comes around before I try
this again.  And now I'll have to figure out what to do
with this third arm growing out of my forehead... I guess
eating all those burritos wasn't such a good idea after
all."
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