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humor: sep 27 -- Thoughts and Musings
Nick's G-Rated Humor List
Selections from Frank Morris' WELCOME TO B*T*I*M*C*A
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THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK...
Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Five out of four people don't understand fractions.
What's the greatest world-wide use of cowhide?
To hold cows together.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Old Celts never die. They just have harp failure.
The trouble with bucket seats is that
not everybody has the same size bucket.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home,
even if you wish they were.
The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards,
money orders, and travellers checks.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow
as tall as his neighbour's.
Bald = Folically Challenged
Fat = Calorifically Enhanced
Housewife = Domestic Technician
Hunter = Animal Assassin
Old People = Gerentologically Advanced
Short = Vertically Challenged
Insane People = Selectively Perceptive
I WAS JUST THINKING....
It was George Washington who couldn't tell a lie,
Richard Nixon who couldn't tell the truth
and Bill Clinton who couldn't tell the difference.
The scale at the doctor's office has a chart showing the
desired weight per height. Thanks to it, I now know my
problem. I'm not overweight; I'm too short.
The trouble with swing dancing is that when I stop,
half my body still is.
Electric can openers are the perfect thing for people who want
absolutely no arm muscles at all.
Amusement parks are getting expensive. The other day, I was at one
and saw a sign that said, "You must be this rich to ride."
Isn't "catch and release" just another term for "pestering the fish"?
Pontoon boats are for people who can't get sunburned enough on land.
Looks like I'll be traveling this summer -- dragging my chair in front
of the air conditioning unit.
I haven't got a web site, but I do boast quite a few spider veins.
Ought to count for something.
The last motel I stayed at had a two-speed air conditioner --
loud and deafening.
I know it's baseball season when one comes crashing through my window.
Skiing is for people who can't just break their legs around the house.
I say, why pay outrageous prices for ski trips when I can just stick my
face in the freezer and fall down on the kitchen floor.
I took accordion lessons once. My musical abilities were fine, but I
flunked the "making bizarre facial expressions" part.
It's National Salsa Month! Take a dip to lunch.
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humor 1.94.3+ 9908