humor: jul 19 -- Ambiguous Recommendations

["Tim Treaster" <tim@bytewaresys.com>]

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The L*I*A*R: Lexicon of Inconspicuously
             Ambiguous Recommendations

			=== first emailed to Nick's
			=== Humor List in August 1996

You're called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely
lazy. You don't want to lie --- but you also don't want to risk
losing even a lazy friend.

Try this line: "In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can
manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for
you."

This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton,
a professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA.

Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers,
having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious
qualifications, so he put together an arsenal of statements that
can be read two ways.

He calls his collection the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous
Recommendations. Or LIAR, for short.

LIAR may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal
qualities, work habits or motivation of the candidate while allowing
the candidate to believe that it is high praise, Thornton explained
last week.

Some examples from LIAR

To describe a person who is totally inept: I most enthusiastically
recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.

To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
workers: I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague
of mine.

To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be
better left unfilled: I can assure you that no person would be better
for the job.

To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment.

To describe a person with lackluster credentials: All in all, I cannot
I say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too
highly.

Thornton pointed out that LIAR is not only useful in preserving
friendships, but it also can help avoid serious legal trouble in
a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of letters of
recommendation.

In most states, he noted, job applicants have the right to read the
letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer
if the contents are negative.

When the writer uses LIAR, however, whether perceived correctly or
not by the candidate, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof,
Thornton said.

=========================
     Sample letter.
=========================

Dear Prospective Employer:

I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.  In
my opinion you will be fortunate to get this person to work for you.  I
recommend him with no qualifications whatsoever.

No person would be better for the job.  I urge you to waste no time in
making this candidate an offer of employment.  All in all, and without
reservation, I cannot say enough good things about him, nor can I recommend
him too highly.

Sincerely yours,

XXXXXXXXXXXX


ADDITIONAL USEFUL PHRASES
+++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm sorry we let him get away,
(What he means: "We should have prosecuted.")

for Mr. Smith is not your average, everyday worker.
("Every OTHER day, maybe.")

You won't find many people like him.
("Most people can't stand him at all.")

Whenever he was asked to do anything,
it only took a second to get it done.
("A second person, that is.")

You can ask him to do anything, and he won't mind.
("He won't DO it, but he won't mind you asking.")

Mr. Smith was always asking if there was anything he could do.
("We were always wondering that, too.")

Given the opportunity, I am certain that Mr. Smith will
quickly forge a name for himself within your company.
("Don't leave any blank checks lying around.")


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