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FW: Rules for Computer Tech Support
Check this out. I got this off a mailing list. Some of them were pretty
----Original Message Follows----
From: "Burns, Mike J" <MBurns@pinacor.com>
To: "'firstname.lastname@example.org'" <email@example.com>
Subject: FW: Rules for Computer Tech Support
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 15:59:05 -0700
If figured we have enough tecno-nerds on this list to enjoy this one... :)
Michael J Burns
> A peek into the thoughts of computer techs worldwide
> ...an end user's guide to technical services.
> 1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out
> and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember
> 2700 network passwords.
> 2. When you call us to have your computer moved,
> be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,
> baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling
> trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and
> we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of
> 3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high
> importance, delete it at once. We're probably just
> testing out the public groups.
> 4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right
> in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond
> immediately. We exist only to serve and are always
> ready to think about fixing computers.
> 5. When a tech is at the water cooler or outside
> having a smoke, ask him a computer question.
> The only reason why we drink water or smoke at
> all is to ferret out all those users who don't have
> eMail or a telephone line.
> 6. Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE.
> The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush
> 7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to
> skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of
> town for a week, record your message, and wait
> exactly 24 hours before you send an eMail straight
> to the director because no one ever returned your
> call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
> 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer
> support. There's electronics in it, right?
> 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message
> at home, call computer support. We can even fix
> telephone problems from here.
> 10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump
> it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and
> no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
> 11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you
> through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't
> actually mean for you to DO anyhing; we just love to
> hear ourselves talk.
> 12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade,
> don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
> 13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least
> 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the
> cosmos for no reason.
> 14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send
> the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is
> bound to work.
> 15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
> 16. If you're taking night classes in computer science,
> feel free to go around and update the network drivers for
> you and all your coworkers. We're grateful for the overtime
> when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
> 17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a
> quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function
> better when slightly dizzy.
> 18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
> 19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any
> new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business
> what you've got on your computer.
> 20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed
> picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable
> under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of
> computer sitting on top of them.
> 21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame
> it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with
> half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky
> drops of Coke under the keys.
> 22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?",
> click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you
> weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
> 23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know
> nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to
> hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
> 24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call
> tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely
> complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it
> be performed only by a professional engineer with a
> Master's degree in nuclear physics.
> 25. When something's the matter with your computer,
> ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the
> challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't
> know anything about the problem.
> 26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to
> everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got
> plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail
> 27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into
> smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a
> chance to squeeze into the queue.
> 28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a
> Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even
> while at the grocery store on weekends.
> 29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him
> come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office
> computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of
> Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
> 30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair
> for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so
> your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it
> because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody
> knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.
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