humor: jul 29 -- Giving a Cat a Pill

[Nick Brown <nbrown@polymail.cpunix.calpoly.edu>]

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                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List
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		CORRECTION: in yesterday's puns,
		I suggested that Gilligan and the
		Captain left on a four hour cruise.
		Of course, it was really a three
		hour tour.  Sorry.   Nick  :-)

================ !!!!!!!!!!! =================
Thanks to Randy Walker <walkers4@pacbell.net>
who mails out Funny Bone <funnyguy@spunge.org>
    He got this from Deanna Greene.
================ !!!!!!!!!!! =================


Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill
(today the pill, tomorrow the bath!)

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat
to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back
of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding
front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse
to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its
head just visible from below spouse's armpit.  Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force
mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetnus shot.  Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.  Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table.  Find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed.  Force cat's mouth open with small spanner.  Push pill into
mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Hold head vertically
and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.  Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye.  Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

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                      humor                            1.94.3+
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