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humor: may 07 -- Buzzwords for Managers
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Nick's G-Rated Humor List
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Management Communications 101:
Memoranda for Management
In large companies, it's obviously important that memoranda contain
lots of important buzzwords. What the memos actually say isn't
particularly important; if it were really important, someone would
discuss it in person or by email. <grin>
In writing these memoranda, please remember the importance
of these buzzwords.
BUZZWORDS FOR MANAGERS
======================
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
------------------- --------------------- ------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number,
and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column.
For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical
projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any
report with a sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.
No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about,
but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
ABOUT MY BOSS...
If he should ever change his faith, it'll be
because he no longer thinks he's God.
He likes well informed individuals as employees:
those whose views coincide with his own.
Someone should tell him the difference between
pulling his weight and throwing it around.
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of
people doing what *I* say."
At least his employees don't have to fear automation:
machines can't listen and nod agreement.
On the bulletin board: "We know that communication is
a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it
with the employees."
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if
tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it
tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
There's a up side to his being a "Self-made Man" --
we just accept this as an apology and let it go at that.
He's always singing his own praises.
But it is an unaccompanied solo.
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