jokes

[Eric Thelin <eric@generation-i.com>]

The Top 12 Great Truths About Life That Children Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let Mom brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.  They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) Whether he's real or not, you should believe in the tooth fairy if you
like money.
6) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
7) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
8) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
9) Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
10) Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
11) School lunches stick to the wall.
12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Actual Announcements From Church "Bulletins"
===========================================

The 1991 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 & 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.

Don't let worry kill you.  Let the Church help.

Thursday night-Potluck Supper.  Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may
be seen in the church basement Friday.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday:  "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several
new members and the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Irving Beltson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church
basement on Friday at 7 p.m. All are invited to attend this tragedy.

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church.  It was given by
one of our members in honor of his wife.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who
are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.  All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use
the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the
morning service.  The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible
Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.