Misc jokes

[Eric Thelin <eric@generation-i.com>]

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as
humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this
week 'count, St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of
what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
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           Actual answering machine messages:

#  Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

# (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The
bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

#  Hi. Now you say something.

#  Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

#   Hi! John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of
these magnets.

#   Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

#   Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office, do not need their picture
taken, and don't want to change long distance carriers. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

#   This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought
recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning
your call.

#   Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
a  message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Subject: Pet Appreciation Week

This is Pet Appreciation Week, a time to do something special for your pet,
something they'll really appreciate, like:

**Lick your dog in the face.

**Bring your cat a dead bird.

**Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.

**Make a concerted effort to learn to purr.

**Eat supper on the floor.

**Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)




Subject :  Dead Rabbit

 Years ago while lying in my hammock I noticed my dog dragging something
under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next
door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit.

 For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to
it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no
different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

 The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I
washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry
with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and
replaced it back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as
"natural causes".

 Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in
as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight
for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good
neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could
do.

 Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would
dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
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Subject: Are You Satisfied Now?

Once there was a little boy who never got into trouble. But one day, he
broke a window, so his dad said, "Go upstairs and think about what you've
done and  I'll be up to give a spanking.

So this little boy is sitting upstairs, scared because he's never gotten a
spanking and doesn't know what it's like.   About 20 minutes later, his dad
comes up, spanks him, then goes back downstairs.

The little boy is just sitting there, crying. Suddenly he stops, pulls his
pants down, and backs up to the mirror.  He gasps in shock, then pulls his
pants back up.

He runs downstairs to his dad and says, "Are you satisfied now, daddy? You
cracked it!"
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)




Subject: Just Whisper, Please!

There was a 5-year-old boy who embarrassed his bridge-playing mother when he
loudly announced, "I want to go to the toilet."

Mom reprimanded:  "Don't say toilet...Whisper!"

That night the youngster tiptoed into his parents' bedroom and tugged on his
dad's arm.  "Whatja want?"  his sleepy father asked.

"I wanna whisper!" the boy said urgently.

"Oh, all right.  Then just whisper in Daddy's ear."

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)