Bart Simpson Chalkboard Quotes

[Eric Thelin <eric@generation-i.com>]

Bart Simpson's chalkboard exercises, from the opening credits listed in
broadcast sequence.  Items in parentheses are only comments or other
information usefull to understand the quote.
These are taken from http://www.snpp.com/guides/chalkboard.openings.html


I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
It's potato, not potatoe
(a reference to Dan Quayle's gaff while visiting a school)
I will not trade pants with others
I am not a 32 year old woman
(To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy)
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
(It actually looks like this:
 I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS
 " " " " " "
 " " " " " ")
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatuent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off
(This was written in an "Olde English"-style font)
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will not squeak chalk
(Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this)
I will finish what I sta
(This appears on one line; the rest is blank)
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas Pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not spin the turtle
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and pointless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not defame New Orleans
(New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!")
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
(During the episode, Marge wrote "I will try to raise a better child")
I will not teach others to fly
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
Coffee is not for kids
(Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
I will not call the principal "spud head"
Goldfish don't bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
No one is interested in my underpants
I will not sell miracle cures
I will return the seeing-eye dog
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
I will never win an Emmy
(This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were
announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy
Series", but it wasn't nominated.  The show had won "Best Animated
Show" Emmys in the past.)
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
(This was not written "line by line" like the others)
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
(A reference to "The Fugitive")
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
I am not delightfully saucy
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
(This was first used for the 100th new episode)
There are plenty of businesses like show business
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Beans are neither fruit nor musical
I will not use abbrev.
I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
I will not send lard through the mail
I will not dissect things unless instructed
I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
I will not hang donuts on my person
I will remember to take my medication
I will not strut around like I own the place
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
I do not have power of attorney over first graders
Nerve gas is not a toy
I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
The First Amendment does not cover burping
This is not a clue...or is it?
(In this episode, there are clues that are supposed to reveal who shoots Mr. Burns)
I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
(In this episode, the Mr. Burns' shooter is revealed)
"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
No one wants to hear from my armpits
I am not a lean mean spitting machine
The boys room is not a water park
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
I will only do this once a year
(...which is once a year too many for clip shows)
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
I am not certified to remove asbestos
I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
I am not my long-lost twin
The truth is not out there
(A reference to "The X-Files")
I am not licensed to do anything
I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
A fire drill does not demand a fire
I no longer want my MTV
None - Halloween Special
Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
I did not invent Irish dancing
I will not tease Fatty
There was no Roman god named "Farticus"
Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
Shooting paintballs is not an art form
Pain is not the cleanser
Silly String is not a nasal spray
I was not told to do this
My butt does not deserve a website
I will not demand what I'm worth
(A reference to the holdout of the cast for more money)
I will not mess with the opening credits
(This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom)
I am not the new Dalai Lama
I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"
(This was first shown three days after the last episode of
"Seinfeld")