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Joke: December 31 - Best Jokes of The Year - Part II
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TODAY's JOKE
December 31, 1997
====================
NO JOKES: January 1 and 2. One weekend joke January 3/4
S P E C I A L E D I T I O N
THE YEAR IN REVIEW - PART II
--------------------------------
Hi Fellow Jokesters,
We have reviewed all of your comments, ratings, platitudes and
complaints and have come up with our own TOP 10 List of JOKE-OF-THE-DAY's
top rated jokes of the year.
Today we are sending the second half of JOKE-OF-THE-DAY's
Top 10 rated jokes for the year. Yesterday, we ran the first five.
These will appear familiar to some of you and new to others,
depending whether you have been with us for almost a year, or one of the
thousand or so new members who just joined our joke list yesterday.
We have not included any of the past month's jokes 90% of
have already seen them.
Rate the Joke below! and *** FORWARD TO FRIENDS ***
Spread The Fun
OUR NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
--------------------------------
And for our New Years resolutions here at JOKE-OF-THE-DAY
1) To continually provide the funniest and freshest humor out there
If we aren't bringing a smile to your face every morning, then we will
keep working on it until you're smiling from ear to ear.
From the responses we get from most of you, we seem to be doing well,
but we consider that only a starting point for us.
2) Many of you have commented on our spelling and typos
We plead GUILTY. So this year we will try to improve our
spelling and correct the typos.
Hey, we are working 18 hours a day, so please give us a little slack.
3) More guest humorists with some of the world's funniest humor
highlighting original work before it gets to the public.
4) Targeted Jokes - So you only get the kind of jokes that you want
5) Keep Having Fun.
THANKS
I'd like to personally THANK ALL of you for making this such a fun project.
Thanks to all of the press who have covered us - from Houston to Bangkok
to Tel Aviv, Manila and back here to the Big Apple. This past Friday, we
were on Good Morning America - as one of the new hot companies in Silicon
Alley.
I'd also like to also thank all of our advertisers who help keep this
a free service, and to you for supporting them. Almost every advertiser
has found sponsoring JOKE-OF-THE-DAY's list to be a very successful and profitable experience.
Your comments have inspired up to keep making this better and to keep
pushing in our goal to bring smiles and laughter to more than 1,000,000
a DAY aroundthe world.
Let the NEW YEAR begin and end with a great laugh,
Eric
JokeMaster
**** AND HERE ARE THE TOP JOKES OF 1997 ****
The LIMO
===========
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the
chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur
climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope
proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo
could do. Well he gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM !, there are
the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper,
seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've
got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to
do."
The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says," "No,
even more important." The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it ?"
The trooper replys "No, even more important."
"It's isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important", replies the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
YOUNG LOVE
=============
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man
wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's
really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've
got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll
want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young
man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl
leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious
person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist."
THE NEW PRIEST
===============
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah G-d"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
PREDICTING THE FUTURE
=======================
This has been around for a while, but since most of you have never heard
the story, I think you will appreciate it.
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for
Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic
remark "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a
casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon
checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space
programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good
luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. A
few years back, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old
question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
Mr.Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer
the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend
in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of
his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As
he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr.Gorsky.
"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next
door walks on the moon!"
SOME INTELLECTUAL HUMOR
Is Hell exothermic or Endothermic
===================================
This is a true story:
*** EVEN if you get a little lost, read to the end, which is very funny.
A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question.
Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof. For
Non-science majors, exothermic is when something releases heat and
endothermic is when something generates heat
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If
they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are
souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving" I think that
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look
at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same,
the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
increase until all hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Jennifer Smith
during Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have
not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be
true, and hell is exothermic."
The student got an A
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Eric
JokeMaster
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