Fwd: Tech Humor One

[David Weisman <weisman@sojourn.com>]

I may just implement some of these if I keep having bad support days like
today!

>>For future refference, I've created this pricing guide to assist you in 
>>determing what technical services you may require in the future. 
>>
>>New Support Fees by incident:
>>     
>>Calling me with a question --- $10
>>Calling me with a stupid question -- $20
>>Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30 
>>Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate 
>>problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
>>Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10 
>>Questions where answer is in TFM - $100
>>Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100 
>>Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my 
>>end somehow - $200
>>Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step 
>>Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile+gas
>>If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's
>>problem 
>>- $45/hr
>>If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr 
>>If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
>>If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm 
>>currently working on - $70/hr
>>If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr
>>If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, out
>>never 
>>did fix - $85/hr
>>If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work 
>>- $95/hr
>>If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could 
>>have
>>
>>done it for you - $150/hr
>>Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving 
>>immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500
>>Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having 
>>and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to 
>>look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - 
>>$1700
>>Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning 
>>it's your personal machine at home - $500
>>Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150 
>>Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you 
>>not to do - $300
>>Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850
>>Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50 
>>AFTER I order your replacement hard drive - $250
>>Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25
>>Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees -
>>$35 
>>Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50
>>Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35 
>>Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250
>>Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - 
>>$200
>>Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet transciver back in $375 
>>Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord
>>someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' 
>>sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400
>>Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the 
>>monitor lead back in - $50
>>Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an 
>>account there - $10
>>Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to 
>>have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above 
>>server - $500
>>Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - 
>>$25
>>Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50 
>>Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - 
>>$100 per program
>>Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless 
>>of whether I know the program or not :))
>>Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard 
>>Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor
>>Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly 
>>rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
>>Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left 
>>unclaimed
>>Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus
>>*cost
>>of 
>>therapy :)
>>Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a
>>brand 
>>new machine - $200
>>Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25
>>Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC 
>>streets - $50
>>Spending 30 minutes trying to figureout what your problem is, and
>>another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... 
>>"So 
>>that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was
>>telling me to do!" - $40
>>Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see 
>>if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five 
>>other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you 
>>drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 
>>(including discount for polite apology)
>>Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - 
>>$25
>>Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated 
>>software]?  Mine just died."  requests - $45
>>Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about 
>>that; why don't you try calling  the number on the box in which you 
>>bought it?" line - $55
>>Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to
>>get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for
>>getting 
>>freeware replacements from the public file server)
>>Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger 
>>than 18 points - $15
>>If I wrote the sign - $45
>>If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor 
>>facing the door - $75
>>Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive 
>>in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - 
>>$25
>>Reporting it more than once - $50
>>Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech 
>>support's inability to solve problem - $200
>>Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but 
>>still calls every other day for help - $100/hour
>>Dealing with computer hobbiests - $125/hour 
>>Questioning the other prices  - $50


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