12 days of x-mas

[Terry Mickelson <terrym@goodnet.com>]

[FTP'd from ds.internic.net]


Network Working Group                                         B. Hancock
Request for Comments: 1882       Network-1 Software and Technology, Inc.
Category: Informational                                    December 1995


               The 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas

Status of this Memo

   This memo provides information for the Internet community.  This memo
   does not specify an Internet standard of any kind.  Distribution of
   this memo is unlimited.

Discussion

   On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree 
anyway?)

   On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is 
going on?)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB
database!)

   On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Three French users (who, of course, think they know 
everything)
          Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all 
over the
net)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)

   On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over 
and over)
          Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over 
trivial
things?)
          Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones 
they are?)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a 
pointer
error?)

   On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than 
silver!)
          Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on 
hold?
          Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why 
do you
ask?)
          Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I 
would know
which ones to fix!)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are 
you
nuts?!?!)

   On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
          Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
          Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? 
Damn!)
          Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page 
to the
screen...)
          Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're 
in the
ceiling!)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this 
was
written?)

   On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
          Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to 
each
other!)
          Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" 
SCSI?)
          Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this 
time...)
          Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an 
"any" key,
but...)
          Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would 
set it
myself!)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk 
to
Lars - NOW!)

   On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security 
violation!)
          Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
          Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on
updates?!?)
          Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be 
fast, isn't
it?)
          Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer 
me back
- DAMN!)
          Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to 
end a
program)
          Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling 
transceiver"?)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English 
in
Oslo?)

   On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the
servers?)
          Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?)
          Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
          Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the 
network?)
          Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same 
ID?)
          Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that
already.)
          Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do 
you
ask?)
          Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find 
Lars!
L-A-R-S!)

   On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?)
          Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens 
room?
Why?)
          Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow 
Internet
here!)
          Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
          Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator 
for
Lotus! )
          Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
          Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number 
before...)
          Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head 
crash!)
          Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power 
connection?)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index 
pointers?)

   On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
          Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an 
extension?)
          Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room 
tiles in
mauve?)
          Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate 
dial-in?)
          Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we 
have?!?!)
          Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
          Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I 
wouldn't be
calling!)
          Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your 
credit
rating!)
          Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet 
again!)
          Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector 
is bad?)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of 
that!)

   On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
          Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be 
two!)
          Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to 
do,
anyway?)
          Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look 
like
XMas lights.)
          Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics 
before
backups?)
          Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during
business hours.)
          Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know 
it.)
          Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
          Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't 
even boot!)
          Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end 
up with
you!)
          Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude 
screen
backgrounds!)
          Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token 
ring...)
          And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo, 
Norway.  We
were just talking and            were cut off...)

Security Considerations

   Security issues are not discussed in this memo.

Author's Address

   Bill Hancock, Ph.D.
   Network-1 Software & Technology, Inc.
   DFW Research Center
   878 Greenview Dr.
   Grand Prairie, TX  75050

   EMail: hancock@network-1.com
   Phone: (214) 606-8200
   Fax: (214) 606-8220
-- 
                         Terry Mickelson 
                     Above Ground Industries 
  Fax from Your Desktop to Anywhere in the World Using the Internet!
            Training, Site Development, Web Hosting
      terrym@goodnet.com   terrym@swlink.net  (602)992-8490