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humor 2000: Fly the Friendly Skies

                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List

Occasionally, Airline attendants try to make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining.  Whether real or legendary, enjoy the following:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50
ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."

2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to
move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till
we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the
wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as sure can be,
everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert
the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more."

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more
than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with
our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all
of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! "

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA
and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at
US Airways."

Thanks to "The Funnies" ---------------------------
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              humor                            1.94.3 9908