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humor: sep 21 -- Choice Groaners

                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List

	A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred
home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman
replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

	The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No,
sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

	When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone
for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

	Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a
week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was
poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ...  "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

	As a three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother
noticed the left one was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes
are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and
said, "Don't kid me, Mom,   I know they're my feet."

The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28
and 44?"
Johnny quickly replied, "CBS, NBC, HBO and the Cartoon Network."

	Milton Berle, affectionately known as "Uncle Miltie", was
television's first superstar. Every Tuesday night for twenty years
starting in 1948, all commerce would come to a halt on Tuesday nights
as everyone found a television set where the family could watch the
Texaco Star Theater.

	But Uncle Miltie had a gambling problem, and in the forties
no one had conceived of Gamblers Anonymous for compulsive gamblers.

	Every week, during rehearsals Berle would play gin rummy between
takes and he would always win big. By the time the show aired, he
usually had won as much as his weekly salary blitzing his producer.

	But after the show, they would play craps where his luck was
always bad, and by the end of the evening, he would have lost everything
he had won during the week.

	Everyone connected with the show knew that Uncle Miltie could
certainly play gin rummy, but invariably, ... Milton's pair of dice lost.
(By Stan Kegel)

Wiliam Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a
great cook. One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he
said, "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"

Their answer was,  "Only thyme, Will Tell!"

The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life.

"Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand storms,
drought, wind, animals, not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if
you don't give up, you'll thrive and grow."

"Life certainly is a gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's
one thing you haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?"

Mother Cabbage replied,
"You should quit when you're a head!"

  Taken from the GROANERS mailings
  of Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
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              humor                            1.94.3+ 9908