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humor: Misc Jokes

I hate to begin with sad news, but today, there was a great loss in the
entertainment world.  The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.  What
was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the
casket.  They put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.

  :-)  :-)  :-)  :-)  :-)  :-)  :-)  :-)

Pete McCabe offers an
original Tom Swifty:
	"I was found not guilty,"
	 Tom said, without conviction.

	Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net> might not recognize
	this edited joke, but I'll credit him anyway.

It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to
visit  my girl friend, Susie. She had decided her kitchen
needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional,
decided to do it herself.

I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some
pizza and sodas. When I arrived, I found Susie working hard
painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes,
she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her why
she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the
paint bucket and told me to read the instructions.

I did. It said:  "For best results, put on two coats."


  I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out,
  I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
  stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
   				-- Elayne Boosler

  The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes
  they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
   				-- Roger Simon

  I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability
  to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
  That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us
  from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
   				-- Jeff Stilson

  Maybe some things do improve with age, but no matter how
  long I wait, my Commodore 64 just won't run Windows 95.
				--Keith Sullivan

  Microeconomics concerns things that economists are specifically
  wrong about, while macroeconomics concerns things economists are
  wrong about generally.  Or, to be more technical, microeconomics
  is about money you don't have, and macroeconomics is about money
  the government is out of.
  				--P. J. O'Rourke in EAT THE RICH
				  (Atlantic Monthly Press, 1998)
				  Mark Hahn, Quote of the Day

From: "Dr. Ed Metcalf" <DoctorEd@compuserve.com>

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were
not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was
considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave -- with no
penalties for missing a class. The rooms were equipped with the type wall
clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As
it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction.
Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with
erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target
practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was
not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely
"absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed,
and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled
into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to
complete the exam".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room,
gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the
clock forward 1 hour, he declared that the exam was over and collected all
the papers.

Life does teach some lessons the hard way.