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Joke: Today's Stock Market Report


Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
Kite sales hit an all-time high.
Fish sales were floundering.
Yoyos were going up and down.
Yachts were all wet.
Playground equipment went on a slide.
Ice machines were frozen solid.
Paper shredders were tearing up the market.
Fencing was having a field day.
Windows were breaking all records.
Javelin sales had missed the mark.
Hunting equipment is being scoped out.
Gravel futures are bumping along.
Airplanes have gone sky high.
Parachutes seem to be drifting.
Frog legs took a jump.
Medical supplies increased microscopically.
Jazz sales are swinging right along.
Cannonballs are simply exploding.
Diamonds are starting to sparkle.
Rubber band  sales are tight.
Suspenders are just holding their own.
Mouse sales have been squeaking by.
Books have just about recovered.
Running shorts are now on track.
Seat belt sales have been constricted.
Building supplies are going up.
Glues seem to be stuck.
Candy futures are looking sweet.
Valium sales are depressed.
Steering wheels have turned the corner.
Kitchenwares are really cooking.
Spatulas are experiencing a big turnover.
Bubble gum may collapse suddenly.
Hydraulic jacks are slowing going up.
Banks are underfunded.
Bed sheets are selling short.
Boxer short futures won't be brief.
Clock sales are ticking along nicely.
Railroads are now on track.
Golf carts are about par right now.
Sandpaper is having a rough time.
Nails are taking a real hammering.
Bolts are slipping but nuts are making a big turnaround.
Soap has been slipping badly.
Shampoo is down a hair.
Light bulb sales are dimming and may soon burn out.
Springs are bouncing back.
Cracker sales are crumbling.
Energy issues are shocking.
Dryers are spinning out of control.
Washing machines are just going through a cycle.
Exercise equipment companies are sweating.
Food profits are being eaten away.
Medical supplies do not look healthy.
Bricks are looking good on Wall Street.
Ladders are beginning to lean a little.
Cardboard boxes are packing it in.
Electric fan sales are breezing by.
Tractors are ploughing right along.