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[humorix] Stallman-Gates Explosion

Richard Stallman and Bill Gates meet in airport lobby;
thousands killed in resulting explosion

Submitted by David Finton 
(dfinton@d.umn.edu - http://www.d.umn.edu/~dfinton)
September 12, 1998

Today at a small unknown airport, the death toll continues
to rise as reports of the aftermath of what is known as the
greatest tragedy to befall the software world continue to
roll in.

Surviving witnesses report that they saw a bearded man in a
wierd robe carrying an odd-looking scepter walked into the
airport lobby.  He stopped in the middle of the crowded
room and started preaching the benefits of publicly
developed software to the gathering crowd. Unfortunately,
one of the people in that crowd was none other than Bill
Gates, who was reported to be looking "slightly miffed".

The recounting of the ensuing events are scetchy, but
witnesses say that the bearded man stopped his speech in
mid-sentence when he spotted the renowned billionare, and
loudly screamed "YOU!", pointing his finger at Bill Gates. 
He then raised his scepter before the fleeing crowd, where
a blue halo of gathering energy started appearing.  When
the energy reached a certain threshold, a lightning bolt
sprang forth towards Mr. Gates.

Gates, being quick to react, pressed a button on his
wristwatch, and a force field envoloped around him,
protecting him from the lightning bolt.  Seconds later, the
force field flickered out and died, reportedly because his
wristwatch blue screened.  Bill Gates then ran towards
Richard Stallman with his hands outstretched to strangle
the MIT graduate.  When they made contact, the resulting
explosion killed nearly everyone nearby, leveled the
airport, and knocked out the power in 27 states and Canada.

Scientists, while still looking at possible reasons for
this tragedy, initially theorized that the explosion was a
textbook matter-antimatter release of energy.  "This is too
obvious to ignore.  Bill Gates and Richard Stallman are
opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to software
philosophy.  It comes to us as no surprise that their
meeting would result in this kind of calamity," said one

Microsoft downplayed the incident in its usual smug
manner.  "Bill Gates was never an important person in our
organization," said Steve Ballmer, now CEO of Microsoft and
the new Lord of the Realms.  "This will not affect
Microsoft's business plan now or in the future."  Ballmer
then pressed a button that instantly reprogrammed all of
Microsoft's stockholders into believing Bill Gates never
existed, and Microsoft stock reached an all-time high. 
[Who is this Bill Gates person the reporter keeps talking
about, anyways?  -Ed.]

Eric S. Raymond, long-time friend and occasional foe of
Richard Stallman, said "We in the Linux community will miss
Richard immensely. He was always fond of saying, 'Think
free speech, not free beer'.  So tonight we'll be
commemerating him by giving away free beer tonight at the
Linux Pavillion.

Government athorities are hell-bent on keeping this tragedy
from happening again, so they are working at keeping
prominent figures from ever meeting each other.  These
figures include Jesse Burst and Rob Malda, members of the
LSA and many Slashdot readers, and Nicholas Petreley and
that guy who writes those damned @lex columns.


James S. Baughn


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