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                         ONLY IN AMERICA
                          - Submitted by Boneswish
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than
an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in
front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a
large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures"...



WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans
With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits
and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its
passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon
millions of US citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their
own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful
role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.
Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding,
dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in
rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic
forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of non-abled
Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the
ranks is
simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in
the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an
illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-
based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of
upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to
hire non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one
non-germane worker for every two talented new hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains
tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by
banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions
as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any
special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to
keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said
Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk
at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of
notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act,
Gertz and millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can
finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings,
to provide each and every American citizen, regardless
ofhis or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in
this great nation.