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Joke: Personal Growth

Personal Growth
33 steps toward personal growth and life fulfillment

 1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner

 2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
    levels of suspicion and paranoia.

 3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, 
    except the ones that are someone else's fault.

 4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, 
    unless I want to stay employed.

 5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

 6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control 
    over others.

 7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

 8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no 
    personality at all.

 9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those 
    censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they 
    reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a
    lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice
    things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself
    with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state 
    and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are 
    no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear
    in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom. 

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute....
    I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can 
    spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally
      to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look
      like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to
      learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. 
      That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.