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Jokes: Drunk Jokes

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The  other 
asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill
me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal.  Explain to your wife that some
other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her
that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes
cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him
about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie
and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife
looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you
said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," says
the drunk.

"But he crapped in my pants too."


An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober him up.  Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on
his face.  So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand
up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up
the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This
time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.  He awakens the next morning
to his wife standing over him shouting. "So  you've been out drinking
again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your
wheelchair there again."