humor 2000: Before and After (Children!)

[Nick Brown <nbrown@calpoly.edu>]

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Before and After:  From <<Sugie01@aol.com>>

When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment
to write an essay on "something I am thankful for". Then I'd spend a lot of
time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that
could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of
from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my
priorities have clearly changed:

==========================================


Before children: I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most
powerful free democracy in the world.

After Children: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving
valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes --
which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back
seat windows before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

><><><><><><><><><><><><

Before children: I was thankful for the recycling program which will
preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.

After children: I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son
wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the
size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

><><><><><><><><><><><><

Before children: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.

After children: I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese --
without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal
and their own spit.

><><><><><><><><><><><><

Before children: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college
education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.

After children: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being
interrupted.

><><><><><><><><><><><><

Before children: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.

After children: I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to
"cause drowsiness" in young children.

><><><><><><><><><><><><

Before children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic
foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new
culture.

After children: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the
driveway to get the mail.

><><><><><><><><><><><><

Before children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.

After children: I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline.

><><><><><><><><><><><><

Before children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my
loved ones.

After children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

><><><><><><><><><><><><

Before children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture,
a nice car and trendy clothes.

After children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses  my good shoes.

><><><><><><><><><><><><

Before children:
I was thankful for my wonderful family

After children:
I am thankful for my wonderful family.


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