[humorix] Alan Cox Releases Quantum Kernel

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Alan Cox Releases Quantum Kernel
Dave Finton, surazal@nerp.net
January 9, 2000

A surprising development in the linux-kernel mailing list
surfaced when Alan Cox announced the release of a 2.2 Linux
kernel existing both as an official stable kernel and as a
prepatch kernel.  This immediately spurred the creation of
two different realities (and hence two different Alan
Coxes), where a kernel would not settle down to one or the
other state until someone looked at it.  However, since the
kernel is an abstract organization of electrons existing
only in hardware, no one has been able to observe the
kernel, resulting in a lot of confusion and spilled beer on
Linus's lap.

"I think this resulted from the large number of 'final'
prepatch kernels prior to the 2.2.14 release," said David
Miller, kernel networking guru and gas station attendent
(he'll settle down to one or the other state when someone
looks at him, which may be impossible to do since no one
has seen him emerge from his basement since the War of
1812).  "The Universe, thinking that the whole thing was
starting to get a bit silly, decided to throw its hands up
in the air and give up on figuring out when we'll get a new
stable kernel."

Stephen Hawking, noted scientist, became disturbed to
discover that he existed both as a brilliant physicist and
as a fictional character on The Simpsons.  He was working
on manipulating subatomic particles in 11-dimensional space
using a spatula and three pints of beer when reality as we
know it split in two, causing him to yell "Doh!" in
surprise.  "I'm currently working on the problem by
telepathically reading the kernel source from the FTP
site... wait a minute, what is this error?  I didn't ask
for a mirror!"  After several minutes, Hawking's speech
synthesizer was heard muttering "sched.c... int fork...
what is this?  A 'goto'?  Shame, shame..."

Nitrozac, talented creater of the After Y2K[1] comic strip,
became enraged to discover this development.  "What?  Dave
Finton stole my idea about alternate universes just so he
could write a cheesy humor article?  That does it!  I'm
sending the Techno-Talking Babes(tm) over to his place to
kick some ass!"  Dave Finton responded by issuing a press
release on the Humorix website containing only the word
"WOOHOO!!!"

When word of this development spread to Microsoft, Bill
Gates was extremely delighted.  The Redmond, WA campus has
been plagued with quantum fluctuations ever since the
inception of Windows 2000 back in 1992.  "Our release date
has been existing in infinitely many states since the very
beginning," said a Microsoft spokesperson.  "This just
shows the Linux operating system cannot scale to multiple
realities as well as our flagship operating system."

Alan Greenspan commented to reporters "Everything that has
transpired here has done so according to my design," and
cackled evilly.  The Dow Jones Industrial hit an all-time
high of 30,000.


[1] http://www.geekculture.com/geekycomics/Aftery2k/aftery2kmain.html

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