[humorix] Linux World Domination: Not A Joke!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Linux World Domination: Not A Joke!
January 14, 2000

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CONSPIRACIES -- In an unprecedented
move, the NSA (No Such Agency) has retracted its report
describing Finland as a national security risk[1], going so
far as to officially adopt Linux internally[2].  Senator
Fattecat (R-WA), who has been pushing for a ban on
Finnish-produced software, said at a press conference
today, "I don't trust the Finns or the NSA. It's obvious
that the Finnish underground is now rooted within the
highest Echelons of power in the NSA..."

One of Fattecat's staff members, Ms. Dee Septive, has
published a 200-page report revealing "the Helsinkian
Underground". According to this report, the Finnish world
domination plot was hatched in 1843.  Soon thereafter
Switzerland, Sweden, Norway, and Denmark (holder of
Greenland) secretly agreed to participate in the scheme,
code-named "Cheese Danish".  The southern tip of Greenland,
Helsinki (Finland), and Berne (Switzerland) form the
vertices of a triangle whose exact center falls on the
British Isles... Is it any wonder that England no longer
holds a world empire?

The Fattecat expose also describes Finland's recent scheme
involving free software.  "Linux, originally called Freix
(FREIX Retrieves Electronic Intelligence X), is a scheme to
infiltrate the Western world with a 'free' operating system
with nasty backdoors hidden within its obfuscated source
code.  IRC (Intelligence Relaying Code) is another Finnish
innovation designed for spying purposes."

Linus Torvalds plays a prominent role in the conspiracy. 
"That old story about Linus developing a Unix clone in his
spare time while at University is a lark," the report
states.  "Torvalds is just a front for the hundreds of
programmers in the Helsinkian Underground that have
contributed to Linux.  Indeed, the name Linux ("Line X")
was coined because the kernel can extract any arbitrary
line of intelligence from any document it has access to.
Torvalds jokes about 'world domination', but it's obviously
not a joke."

Transmeta's employment of Linus Torvalds also fits into the
cover-up.  In addition to being a front for illegal
Finnback smuggling, Transmeta is busy working on a
next-generation spy chip, code-named "Crusoe" ("Cryptic
RUse to Spy On Everthing"), a vague reference to the plot
to strand all world leaders on a Pacific island after the
Helsinkian Underground's world domination plans come to
fruition.  Whatever Transmeta officially announces next
week, it won't be the truth.

The report concludes, "We must take the Finnish threat
seriously. Attempts to construct a New World Order cannot
be tolerated -- unless the United States is the one doing
it...  The Scandinavian Scandal can be effectively dealt
with by banning foreign-made software and sticking with
good old American innovations like Microsoft Windows
2000..."  A footnote at the bottom written in Flyspeck 3
says, "The fact that Senator Fattecat has received sizable
campaign contributions from Microsoft is strictly a
coincidence."

The conspiracy theory is backed up by US Representative I.
B. Fersaille, also of Washington State.  "It's obvious that
the NSA has been subverted by the scheming Finnbacks. 
Suspicious banking activity in the past week by several
high-ranking NSA henchmen leads me to believe that they've
been bribed into choosing Linux over Windows. By coercing
the NSA into adopting Linux, the Helsinkian Underground
will have full access to all NSA databases via Linux
backdoors. American-made Microsoft Windows -- which
utilizes the vastly superior Security Through Obscurity
paradigm -- does not suffer from these problems."

Senator Phil E. Buster (D-MN) disputes the conspiracy
theory. "This is a load of [expletive]... Fattecat is a
Microsoft shill elected only because Bill Gates personally
bought one million votes for him (which at the going rate
of $152 per vote was mere pocket change for Gates).  

Just as this story was going to press, Fattecat rebutted,
"Senator Buster represents Minnesota, a state with a large
Scandinavian population.  It's obvious that he's a part of
the Finnish conspiracy.  Don't listen to a word he says."

[1] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/jan00.shtml#Finland-Ban
[2] http://slashdot.org/articles/00/01/13/1029206.shtml

---

James S. Baughn
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

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