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humor 2000: The True Professional
Nick's G-Rated Humor List
Astronomer == Moon Starer
Astronomers == No more stars
Amazing Factoids from the "Year 2000 Doodle and Fact Calendar"
--- just for fun --- these may or may not be true ---
1) Hamsters are popular as pets.
2) There are no hamsters to be found in the wild.
All pet hamsters are descended from just one hamster
(female) captured in Siberia in 1930.
Good News: In 1955, the "Mighty Mouse Playhouse"
debuted on TV. This began the 'concept' of
Saturday morning animated TV shows for kids.
Bad News: The PTA issued a warning that
the show was only "recommended for mice".
I have received a TON of submissions
for the HOMOGRAPH CONTEST!!!!!
Homographs are spelled the same
but have different word origins
and possibly different pronunciations.
These are only a few of the ones I have received.
More later ....
The man who bought the toilet with a three-gallon FLUSH
held a royal FLUSH in his hand. His face FLUSHED with
pride as his friends realized their hopes of winning had
been FLUSHED down the drain.
Can you BEAR to see someone BEAR a sick BEAR?
Homophones on line 1; Homograph on line 4.
The musical rookie's RECORD broke the world's RECORD
for copies sold after the company decided to let him
RECORD an extra song.
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
> It may be that your sole purpose in life
> is simply to serve as a warning to others.
> If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
> If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again;
> it was probably worth it.
> If you haven't much education, you must use your brain.
> You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
YOU TOO CAN BE A PROFESSIONAL!!
Just take this short quiz...
This quiz consists of four questions
that tell you whether or not you are
qualified to be a professional.
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.
There is no need to cheat. The questions
are not that difficult. You just
need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in
the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether or not you are
doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in
the elephant and shut the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out
the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend except one. Which animal
does not attend?
Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!
This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
Okay, if you did not answer the last three questions
correctly, this one may be your last chance to test
your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the
crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability.
If you answered four out of four questions correctly,
you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching
up to do but there's hope for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a
hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your
organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does
not require any higher mental functions at all, such as
law or politics.
[forwarded by Mark Engelhardt]
Mikey's Thot for the Day:
Can I trade this job for
what's behind door number 2?
THANKS TO: MIKEY'S FUNNIES
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE Y2K,
And all through the nation,
We'd soon see the bug that,
Caused such a sensation.
The chips were replaced,
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy,
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think,
They were snug in their beds,
Others had visions,
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac,
Had just logged on the Net,
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter,
I called Mister Gates,
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash,
Off to my bank,
To withdraw all my cash.
Then word of the shortage,
Caused such a demand,
That the money was gone,
And the streets were all jammed.
When what with my wandering eyes,
Should I see on my screen,
But Millennium Bugsy,
This must be a dream!.
The Hack of all hackers,
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be,
The Y2K bug!
His image downloaded,
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
"Let all systems fall!"
"Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!"
All the controls,
That make the planes fly,
And the microwaves for,
The signals they rely.
All through the system,
To me, and to you,
The predictions they made,
Would soon all come true.
And then came a twinkling,
As midnight drew near,
All over the globe,
In each hemisphere.
As I drew in my breath,
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
With six legs outspread,
Two beady eyes,
And a chip on his head.
With a sack full of virii,
Flung on his back,
He looked like a hacker,
Just waiting to hack.
His eyes - how they twinkled!
His dimples - how merry!
As midnight approached, Though
Things soon became scary.
His droll little mouth was,
Drawn up in a sneer,
While he sat like a kid,
Waiting out the new year.
Two little antenna,
Stuck out of his head,
(Improved his reception,
from what I've heard said.)
He had a broad face,
and a round little belly,
But with six dirty socks,
His feet were quite smelly.
He was chubby and plump,
And I laughed when I saw him,
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know,
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic,
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks online,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty glee,
'This has been fun,
I'll see you next century!'"
[forwarded by Sherrie Jashienski]
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