[humorix] Bill Gates Passes Turing Test

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Bill Gates Passes Turing Test
from the but-he-failed-the-urine-test dept.
October 15, 1999

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Earlier today Microsoft proclaimed that
they have passed the Turing Test by creating a Bill Gates
multimedia simulacrum that crack BBC interviewer Jeremy
Paxman couldn't distinguish from the real thing[1].  "In
hindsight, some of his responses were a bit suspicious,"
Paxman said about the Gates AI program.   "I never would
have expected this... After all, this Microsoft program
actually worked for an extended period of time, something
you don't see very often," he added.

The Bill Gates simulation consisted of a holographic
projection controlled via wireless link by a bank of
Windows 2000 boxes located at Microsoft's UK headquarters. 
These computers, code-named "ActiveBill 2000", contain more
processing power than all of the computers in South America
combined.

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to obtain a
portion of the interview transcript that will not be shown
on TV.

PAXMAN: I've heard that Microsoft is pushing to reduce the
funding for the US Department of Justice.  Is this true?

GATES: Yes, the DOJ is an anachronism that's standing in
the way of my world domination plans.  I must say, buying a
Congressman is the best long-term investment a person can
make.

PAXMAN: What?  You admit that you've "bought" a
Congressman?

GATES: I cannot answer that question.

PAXMAN: Why can you justify cutting the budget of one
government agency when millions of tax dollars are wasted
purchasing Microsoft software when free software would work
just as well?

GATES: Bad command or file name.

PAXMAN: What?

GATES: Oops... I meant to say: millions of tax dollars are
NOT wasted. What's good for Microsoft is good for the
country.

PAXMAN: What do you think the outcome of the anti-trust
trial will be?

GATES: I'm going to win... An illegal operation has...

[From what we can gather, the Bill simulacrum must have
crashed at this point.  Bill's projection and audio ceased
for 5.2 seconds before the system could be brought back
online by shifting to a backup.]

PAXMAN: WHAT THE HELL?  WHERE DID YOU GO?!?!?!

[Gates' hologram reappears]

GATES: Oops... sorry about that.  My finger must have
slipped and activated my invisibility field array.  I can
make myself disappear at the touch of a button.  It's great
being rich and running your own R&D lab.

PAXMAN: [gasping for air]  Whoaaa.... man, that.... was....
whoa.  Gimme... a minute... to get back... to my...
senses.  I've never... seen anything like that... before. 
I thought you had disappeared into thin air!

GATES: Quite a few Linux zealots would like for me to just
go away. My doctors tell me that with modern technology
that only I can afford, I should live to at least 130.  So
there.

[rest of interview not cut by Microsoft censors]

The real Bill Gates hails the ActiveBill simulator as the
most innovative technology of the decade.  "With this
technology, my image and words can be replicated throughout
the world.  Think of the possibilities. Who says Microsoft
isn't innovative?  The DOJ, of course, but they won't be a
threat after their, ahem, budget cuts," the real Bill Gates
said.

Microsoft has plans to mass-produce the ActiveBill 2000
simulator by 2010 or so.  "The hardware just isn't there
yet for home use," a Microserf explained.  "By then,
though, Intel's Itanium 6 Super Pro Plus III CPU running at
600 Ghz or whatever should be sufficient." Windows 2010 is
expected to include the Bill Gates simulation, making the
World's Richest Man(tm) accessible to the entire world.

A newly printed brochure for the faux-Gates advertises,
"Need help running Windows 2010?  Bill Gates will sit
beside you and guide you through the system.  Have a
question for the world's sexiest and smartest nerd?  He'll
answer it.  Wondering if free and open source software is a
plot by Communists freaks to overthrow the free market
system?  He'll be there to explain.   Want to ask for a
personal loan?  Sorry, won't happen."

[1] http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_475000/475279.stm

---

James S. Baughn
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

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