[humorix] Jargon Coiner 2.0

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Jargon Coiner 2.0
December 20, 1999

Jargon Coiner is an irregular Humorix feature that aims to
give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made
up.  If any of this jargon is actually adopted in the Real
World, rest assured that we will waste no time in bragging
about it.  Of course, if it isn't adopted, then we will
quietly delete this article from the archives and nobody
will be the wiser.

sjs@sjswebhack.com sent in these Microsoft-inspired
phrases:

* Patch-22: An endless cycle of releasing patches to fix
  bugs, that cause more bugs, that require more patches.

* The Hair of the Dogfood that Bit Me: When you force your
  employees to use the same shabby products you sell to
  others.

* You Windows Some, You Lose Some: Grouping disparate
  products under a common title, like "Windows Powered," in
  the hope that customers won't know which base technology
  to blame for poor performance.

* BIMBY (Buried in My Backyard): A truely stupid piece of
  software, like Bob, that you never want anyone to see
  again.

* Act Like a Little Billby: When you order the dumping a
  popular product, like Visual J++, because you don't want
  to answer to someone else's contractual rules. 

* Stuck in Net-tral: Waiting for an Internet company to do
  something innovative, so you can buy it.

* Just Off the Bloat: The release of another gigabyte-sized
  product, like Office.

* A Pain in the Net: The supreme effort involved in keeping
  a Web site running with a system like Windows NT.

* Op'd a Feel: The process of grabbing the best features
  from another operating system and trying to cram them
  into yours.

* Buggy Wuggy: A form of dance wherein you skip around
  saying the word "bug," instead you always say "issue."

* That's Where I Draw the Linux: Refusing to cooperate with
  the open source movement because you might lose your
  overpriced tech support income.

And the rest came from various members of our Vast Spy
Network(tm):

* HOBTOB (Hanging Out By The O'Reilly Books): Seeking free
  Linux technical support at a bookstore by waiting near
  the computer books for a geek to come by and then
  casually asking them for help.

  Example: Eric The Linux Zealot walked over to the
  Operating Systems shelf and was accosted by a hobtobber
  who said slyly, "Hey, I see you're looking at a Linux
  book... Do you happen to know anything about Linux?  You
  see, I've been having this problem setting up PPP..."

* MOOLA (Marketing Officially Organizes Linux Adoptance): A
  press release issued by a Dot Com (or Dot Con?) heralding
  their "support" for Linux (i.e. "BigPortal.com adopts
  Linux as their official operating system by adding five
  Linux-related links to their BigDirectory"); used to
  inflate their stock price and rake in moola even though
  none of their employees have ever used Linux and don't
  really care.

* Segfault Effect: The recent wave of "Naked and
  Petrified", "Grits", and "MEEPT" junk comments posted to
  Slashdot by insecure teenagers who came from Segfault
  after the low-budget humor site disabled comment posting.

* Karma Kollector: Slashdot user who treats the acquisition
  of "karma" as a game; often has a detailed strategy on
  how to sucker moderators into raising the score of their
  posts (i.e. posting a comment with a title like
  "Microsoft Sucks!!! (Score 3, Insightful)" or using "Only
  a fool would moderate this down" as a signature). Also
  known as "Karma Whore" in some circles.

* IPO (I've Patented the Obvious): Acquiring patents on
  trivial things and then hitting other companies over the
  head with them.  

  Example: "Amazon just IPO'd one-click spam and is now
  threatening to sue B&N."

* IPO (I'm Pissed Off): Exclamation given by a Linux user
  who was unable to participate in a highly lucrative Linux
  IPO due to lack of capital or E*Trade problems.  Also
  uttered by Linux hackers who did not receive The Letter
  from Red Hat or VA Linux even though their friends did.

* YAKBA (Yet Another Killer Backhoe Attack): The acronym
  that describes network outtages caused by a careless
  backhoe operator.

  Examples: "Don't blame us, our website was offline after
  we suffered a YAKBA".
  "Don't worry about Y2K, what we need to think about is
  YAKBA-compliance."

* Ninety-Niners: In 1849, a horde of people
  ("Forty-niners") headed to California to pan gold and get
  rich quick.  In 1999, a horde of people ("Ninety-niners")
  headed to California to invest in Linux companies and get
  rich quick.  Some things never change.

* Zoo: The ubiquitous shelf of O'Reilly Animal Books that
  many nerds keep next to their computer

* They're Multiplying Like Portals: The proliferation of
  Linux portals that have the latest headlines from
  Slashdot and LinuxToday but offer little original
  content.  

* You Can't Spell EVIL Without vi: A curse uttered by
  freshman Computer Science students struggling with vi's
  insert mode for the first time.

---

James S. Baughn
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/
-
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