[humorix] Welcome to 19100!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Welcome to 19100!
James Baughn, Minister Of Truth, United Planets Of Humorixia
January 1, 19100

We here at Humorix would like to be the first to welcome
you into the 192nd Century.  Contrary to public opinion,
the universe did not end, the United Planets of Humorixia
didn't collapse, and Benevolent Dictator Linus Torvalds
CCIX didn't suffer a nano-breakdown. Remember, Linux kernel
152.2.12 and the Z Quad-Dimensional Windowing System
Z52R4.1 are both fully 4096-bit capable and can correctly
handle dates for the next googleplex.

Below we've compiled several first-of-the-century quickies
from around the Uni-Net.

* Where's My Asbestos Suit?

We received several flame nano-mails yesterday about our
statement that January 1st (or Raymondia 1st, for both
regular readers in the Libertarian III solar system) is the
first days of the 192nd Century.  Apparently everybody is
forgetting about Vice Benevolent Dictator Jon Splatz IV,
who in 2199 decreed that the 22nd Century would only
contain 99 years.  So there.

* Transmeta Officially Announces First Product

Transmeta (known for their slogan, "This Slogan Is Not Here
Yet(tm)"), long a running-gag on Humorix for their delays
in releasing their Crusoe processor, finally announced
Crusoe 1.0 yesterday at a press conference on the Transmeta
homeworld.  The device, however, is not a revolutionary
breakthrough, but instead a replica of the vintage Intel
Pentium IV chip (of which only two original ones are known
to exist).

Said Transmeta President Paul Allen CIX, "Antique computer
parts are a hot item right now.  The BeanieFurbyPokemon
Crazy of 19098 has been replaced with a feeding frenzy on
vintage electronics by collectors throughout the Humorixia
Meritocracy.  Transmeta hopes to meet this demand with a
authentic working replica of Intel's infamous Pentium IV
chip for only 0.95 megadollars.  Be the first on your
planet to own this piece of history!"

Transmeta stock rose 503% on the NeoNasdaq Stock Exchange
with record volume.

* My Galactic Kingdom For A Domain!

The Twentieth Borg War took a humorous twist last week when
Microsoft failed to pay its diennial registration fees with
Uni-Net Solutions for the top-level microsoft.galaxy
domain.  Several trillion Microserfs were without Uni-Net
access until Humorixia Citizen Eric B. Stallman donated 35
megadollars to pick up the tab.  

The domain mixup caused quite a bit of confusion in the
Microsoft High Command, allowing the UPH to easily capture
strategic planets in New Gatesia III, Redmond II, and
Windows IIC.  The new offensive gains open up the
possibility for a classic pincher-attack, much like was
used in the historic victory of Humorixia against Microsoft
Nation back on Earth in the Zeroth Borg War (1999-2000).

* Historians Locate Priceless slashdot.org.classic Archive

The Chief Archiver for the Humorixia Museum in New
Splatzangrad stumbled onto a priceless relic: an old hard
drive from the 20th Century containing a browser cache
filled with old websites like the original Slashdot and
LinuxToday.  "I found the drive at a yard sale on Bero I,"
the Archiver told Humorix.  "The owner, a senile
500-year-old man, didn't realize what he had."

The contents of the hard drive (a Seagate 6.4 gigabyte
model) have been uploaded to the Museum's netsite.  In
addition to the historic browser cache, the drive also
contains a copy of the Linux 2.2.0 kernel (the only known
copy in the Universe).  Historians are hailing this find as
the best one since 18523, when Bob Werner XXXI found a
vintage Red Hat Linux 5.2 CD-ROM while digging through an
abandoned landfill on Old Earth.

* Another Boring Day Of Politics

Nothing much took place on the Grand Message Board this
week except for a debate about the Bigbrother III solar
system. The totalitarian governemnt of Bigbrother recently
imposed new restrictions on encryption software and Uni-Net
browsers, in addition to strengthening their already
draconian censorship laws.  Obviously, such blatant
violations of human rights cannot be tolerated by the
Humorixia Meritocracy, but nobody knows what to do about
it.

One person said on the Grand Message Board, "Maybe we
should distribute a nano-virus that causes Bigbrother
government computers to get bloated, slow to a crawl, and
become unstable." An Anonymous Coward replied, "What? 
Microsoft has already tried that. Besides, distributing
viruses conflicts with the Humorixia General Social License
10.2."

More discussion (and hopefully voting) will take place next
week after everybody's hangover from New Year's Day wears
off.

* Pundit Finally Acknowledges Linux

Fred Berst, a descendant of 20th Century pundits Jesse
Berst and Fred Moody, finally admitted that Microsoft
Windows is not the best operating system in the Universe. 
Meanwhile, reports indicate that genetically engineered
pigs are flying over singing fat ladies in a snow-covered
Hell (third planet of Satan IV system).

In his weekly column on Ziff-Davis MegaPortal, Fred Berst
said, "Okay, I admit it.  Linux doesn't suck as much as I,
and all of my descendants, have let on.  An operating
system that has formed the backbone of a Meritocracy
spanning 75% of the explored universe can't be that bad."

Jesse Berst, known throughout history as the "Can you get
fired for choosing Linux?" idiot, and Fred Moody, a
clueless Microsoft groupie, are both rolling in their
graves.

* New Linux Development Kernel Version 152.3.512 Announced

Linus Torvalds CCIX sent word out to the linux-kernel list
that a new development kernel was ready for hacking. 
"Forget your New Year's Day parties and start hacking on
the latest, greatest Linux version since 152.3.511. 
Remember, this kernel is still a part of the venerable It
Works For Me(tm) tree and should only be touched by
hard-core Linux longhairs."

New features in 152.3.512 include enhanced drivers for the
VA Linux Time Travel Machine 2.0 and a 4.2% increase in
fuel efficiency for Linux-based hyperspace engines.  The
full source is 194 terabytes and should be available at the
usual tachyonFTP sites by the time you read this.

---

James S. Baughn
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

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