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humor: sep 18?? -- Belated Saturday Stuff
Nick's G-Rated Humor List
Nick's email server was down through Sunday
> This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the
> Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the
> "Best T-shirts of the Summer". Nick's selections:
> 1) (around a picture of dandelions)
> I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
> 3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
> 4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
> 5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
> 6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...
> I Just Can't Remember It All
> 7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
> 8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
> 10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Shoot Them?
> 12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience
> With Princes, Seeks Frog
> 14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
> If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
> 15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
> 16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)
> My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
> 18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
> 19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
> 22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
Food Spoilage Test
or, College Life in the Kitchen
THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for
leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese
but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly
good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd
benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-
block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good
indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
It never spoils.
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball
should be disposed of. Carefully.
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick,
but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the
Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware
containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
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