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humor: sep 19!! -- Some Sunday Stuff
Nick's G-Rated Humor List
How To Be Unhappy
**Make little things bother you. Don't just let them, MAKE them.
**Lose your perspective on things and keep it lost:
don't put first things first.
**Get yourself a good worry, one about which you cannot do anything.
**Be a perfectionist, which means not that you
work hard to do your best, but that you condemn
yourself and others for not achieving perfection.
**Be right. Be always right. Be the only one who
is always right, and be rigid in your rightness.
**Don't trust or believe people, or accept them
at anything but their worst and weakest.
**Be suspicious. Insist that others always have hidden motives.
**Always compare yourself unfavorably to others.
This guarantees instant misery.
**Take personally everything that happens to you.
**Don't give yourself whole-heartily to anyone or anything.
A woman called the dean of the college
that her freshman son was going to.
"I'm worried. I don't know who my son
can hang out with. He doesn't have the
kind of money all the other students have."
The dean replied, " He can
hang out with the faculty."
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade
into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
Which famous golfer is also known for his vineyards?
What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman
barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything
they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked
salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a
fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other
was the chip monk.
Posted From: <<SCREAM OF THE CROP JOKES & QUOTES>>
Think About It!
***Be understanding to your enemies,
Be loyal to your friends.
**Be strong enough to face the world each day.
Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.
**Be generous to those who need your help.
Be frugal with what you need yourself.
**Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.
Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.
**Be willing to share your joys.
Be willing to share the sorrows of others.
**Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.
Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.
**Be the first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.
Be the last to criticize a colleague who fails.
**Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not
tumble [or at least be sure of Who knows your next step,
and have faith that He can keep you steady!].
**Be loving to those who love you.
Be loving to those who do not love you, and they may change.
**Above all, be yourself.
OH, YEAH, AND ALSO.....
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God. And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding, will guard your
hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable --if anything is excellent or
praiseworthy --think about such things .... and the
God of peace will be with you.
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