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humor: sep 22 -- Sayings and such
Nick's G-Rated Humor List
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the
first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide
open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in
preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a teacher the previous year had used a
check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the schools long time Custodian, "Do you think it's
wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things
The Custodian looked at him gravely and replied .....
"We trust them with the children, don't we?"
Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't!
1. And your crybaby opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!... Off my planet!
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
10. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
11. Allow me to introduce my selves.
12. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
13. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
14. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
16. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
17. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
18. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
19. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
20. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
21. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
22. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
23. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
24. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
25. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
One-Liners from Aiken's Drum
*Countless numbers of people have eaten in this
kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
*Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
*It's bad luck to be superstitious.
*I don't get even, I get odder.
*I am having an out of money experience.
*I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.
*My next house will have no kitchen ---
just vending machines.
*We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
*He who hesitates is probably right.
*Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
*Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
*Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
*Families are like fudge .. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.
GROUCHO MARX HAD SOME OF THE BEST LINES...
Who are you going to believe,
me or your own eyes?
I have nothing but respect for you,
and not much of that.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles.
If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but
don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
>From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet h
e was glad to get rid of it.
Why should I care about posterity?
What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my
pajamas I'll never know.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute
somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(taking someone's pulse) Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me
more of you than you do!
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and
stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than
rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Thanks to "The Funnies" /////////////////////////////
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humor 1.94.3+ 9908