[humorix] Dave Finton Usurps Humorix

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Dave Finton Usurps Humorix
surazal@nerp.net
July 3, 1999

Dave "Surazal" Finton has temporarily usurped control of
Humorix after a bizarre power outtage struck Humorix World
Headquarters earlier today.  The cause of the blackout is
still under investigation, but we feel confident in saying
that Microsoft is probably involved somehow. To fill the
void until power and Net access can be restored, Dave has
assumed control of the site, allowing him to publish
anything he wants...


* Linux Accidentally Beats NT in Mindcraft Benchmark
Rerun

Marketing droids and sensation-happy reporters were shocked
to learn that in the latest Mindcraft tests Linux
accidentally beat NT on every benchmark.  The cause,
however, was not so surprising.

"We were wondering 'What the hell is going on!?'" said one
Mindcraft employee.  "We did a little investigating and
found out that the so-called Linux experts replaced our
enterprise-level machines with sub-standard Pentium Pros
with only ONE network card!!!  How could ANYONE use such a
configuration for something as CPU intensive as serving web
pages?"

Indeed, not only were the servers secretly replaced before
the tests, but they were also loaded with "database"
software, which reportedly allows businesses to put their
data in something more manageable than ASCII text files. 
In addition to this, the webservers also served out what is
known as "CGI", an obscure coding method that allows
programmers and nonprogrammers alike to dynamicly change
the content of web pages without having to resort to
editing HTML by hand.  When asked about these added
features and their impact on web serving, the Mindcraft
people looked at us blankly.

"I mean, come on!  Enterprise-level webserving means
hundreds of static HTML pages per second out of the best
technology money can buy.  And buy. And keep buying.  I
mean, who really uses CGI or databases for today's
applications?  Some Linux schmuck in his parent's
basement?  Big business demands big operating systems, and
lots and lots of 4K text files."

Future Mindcraft projects include setting up a 20 NT server
farm designed to act as a ping server, and developing a
method for users to compose and send their email messages
"quickly and easily", using only a 256-processor machine. 
"NT is designed to handle these important tasks on today's
hardware.  Heck, can Linux even display its desktop on 9
computer screens concurrently?  How can anybody take that
operating system seriosly when all-important features like
these are lacking?"

"The next thing you know," said the Mindcraft expert,
"They'll be talking about things like redundant data
storage and web-driven applications. Puh-lease."


* Dave Finton Thinks About Getting Around to That Yodix
Article

Dave Finton, who reported on the Yodix OS[1] some time back,
is reportedly "thinking" about getting around to compiling
the 3 or 4 remaining submissions and emailing the damn
thing out, "just to get it over with."

"I mean, it's not a matter of being too busy, or being away
on some vacation.  I just can't get up the ambition to just
include it in an email to Humorix," said Dave.  "I'm pretty
sure I'll get around to it. Eventually."

Dave's laziness not only applies to the Yodix article, but
other areas of his life as well.  "You know, I got that
homework assignment due tomorrow, and here I am, typing
away at some humor article.  I mean, the homework's not all
that hard.  I'm just putting it off.  Because, well you
know.  I'm just lazy."

Other procrastinated projects include doing his laundry,
his web page[2], and "asking that one girl out".  Dave
reportedly hasn't gotten laid in years.  "I mean, I still
got 3 t-shirts and 5 pairs of boxers left in the 'clean'
pile.  My clean clothes are in that pile because I haven't
gotten around to folding them yet.  Maybe I'll do it
tomorrow."

While interviewing Dave for this article, many people
passing by gave him very strange looks, probably because he
was talking to himself and taking notes on the back of his
hand.


* Mozilla Plans for 1.0 Release; Space-Time Continuum
Collapses

Devolopers today at Netscape were abuzz with the
possibility of a 1.0 release of their browser, when all of
the sudden the Universe collapsed into a massive
singularity.

"I mean we were _so_ close!  1.0 was around the corner,
outside developers started to join the project, and Marc
Andreesen vowed to quit eating pizza forever!" said one
mozilla.org programmer.  "But alas, it was too much for the
Universe as we know it to handle.  I mean, Marc without
pizza is sorta like, you know, quarks without gluons.  And
the impending Mozilla release?  I think that was the last
straw."

Scientists, while perplexed, were unable to do much about
the situation, since everyone (and all the matter in the
universe) was squished into a lump the size of a pea.

Microsoft, still licking its wounds from the infinite
number of monkeys incident[3], was quick to point out
Mozilla's flaws.  "See?  We're not planning for the release
of our flagship product for at least 2 or 3 more eons.  The
denizens of some impossible-to-imagine reality will thank
us for our innovative spirit!"

Mozilla developers were optimistic, however.  "We're going
to release our product before the next Big Bang, so that we
can seed the market for our next-generation browser.  Once
intelligent life evolves after a dozen or so billion years
of Universal expansion, they'll be quick to use our readily
available technology."


* Slashdot Effect Vaporizes Ganymede

In one of the more bizarre consequences of the infamous
"Slashdot Effect", Ganymede, the largest moon in our solar
system, was completely and utterly destroyed when CmdrTaco
posted an article about the Hubble Space Telescope's latest
round of images and discoveries.

"It all started when we put up some more info on our web
page about Jupiter and Ganymede," said one NASA guy whom we
believe may be in charge of something.  "CmdrTaco got wind
of it, and posted it on his site."

According to observers, the webserver promptly exploded
thereafter, damaging the nearby remote control system used
to aim and focus the Hubble's cameras from the ground.

"All of the sudden our controls went wacky!" said one
engineer.  "The Hubble then started shooting these death
rays all over the universe.  One of those rays hit
Ganymede, and *POOF*.  There it went!  We were all like,
'COOOOOL!  Let's aim it something else!'"

In addition to Ganymede simply ceasing to exist, other
celestial fatalities included a star belonging to a nearby
alien culture.  According to government officials, the
response they got "didn't sound too friendly".  "We got
some kind of warning to leave the premises immediately, as
this planet was declared uninhabitable," said President
Hillary Clinton.  "We tried to tell them that it was
perfectly habitable, and we were happy where we were.  All
we got in response was this vaguely disquieting chuckle. 
Personally, I think there's nothing to worry about. This
whole thing smells like bu-"

---

[1] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/may99.shtml#Yodix
[2] http://surazal.nerp.net
[3] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/oct98.shtml#Monkeys


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