Fwd: want a twinkie?

[Brennon Davies <brdavies@globalcenter.net>]

>TWINKIE FAILURE TESTING
>----------------------------------
>
>In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and
>unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess
>snack logs to the following experiments:
>
>EXPOSURE: A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during
>which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed
>crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds
>-- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance. Despite
>the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its
>original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be
>substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on
>the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling, however,
>retained its advertised "creaminess."
>
>RADIATION: A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which
>was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of
>bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich,
>characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma
>began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was
>aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began
>billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to
>the same experiment. This Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When
>cooled, this now epoxy-like filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate,
>defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
>
>EXTREME FORCE: A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall
>of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto
>its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the
>only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its
>underside. Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
>
>EXTREME COLD: A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24
>hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but
>its physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found
>to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the
>mercury-like property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was
>noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.
>
>EXTREME HEAT: A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While
>the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream
>holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce
>the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation
>experiment.
>
>IMMERSION: A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap
>water. The Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and

>viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a
>water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had
>bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in
>contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie
>bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the
>Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original
>size, the water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of
>filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes."  Unfortunately,
>efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when,
>under light pressure, the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud
>of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
>
>SUMMARY OF RESULTS The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with
>some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and
>artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would
>unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry
>is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
>
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