[humorix] Humorix IPO Wildly Successful!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Humorix IPO Wildly Successful!
July 30, 1999

NEW YORK, NY -- Wall Street has responded _very_ well to
Humorix's initial public stock offering. Our stock, FAUX,
began trading at 10:12AM (Eastern) this morning on the
NASDAQ exchange at $10 per share.  By the end of the
trading day the stock had surged to 55 9/16.  Some bold
Wall Street analysts are calling our stock offering "the
most successful IPO of a humor website in the history of
NASDAQ!"

For a brief time around 2:15PM the stock price was at an
unbelievable 125 7/8.  It prompty fell after Federal
Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said, "I don't know what
the hell Humorix is, but its stock is showing disturbing
signs of irrational exuberance." Ironically, most other
tech stocks plummeted during the day, sending the NASDAQ
down 5.12%.  Some analysts are speculating that many
investors dumped all of their tech stocks in order to
purchase vast quantities of hot Humorix stock.

Needless to say, the Humorix staff is quite jubilant about
the success of the IPO.  Jon Splatz went and bought a new
car, not realizing until later that he can't cash in his
FAUX shares for six months.  Other Humorix staffers are
currently holding a huge party and will probably be
plastered through next week.

Not everybody is happy about the IPO, however, especially
those who didn't participate.  Jason McDuff, one of the
people who received our special invitation letter to
purchase 200 shares of FAUX stock via E*Raid.com, has sent
in a bomb threat.  

He said in the threat, "The letter I received was nothing
more than a bait-and-switch scam and spam. I opened an
E*Raid account, wired $2,000 to it, and signed up for the
IPO using the code number given in my 'special invitation'.
I was refused!  E*Raid said I had to have a net worth of $1
million to participate in a 'high-risk' IPO.  Bullshit.  It
was all a scam to get me to open an account.  Humorix
should be called Scamorix. You people make me sick, and
unless you give in to my demands, I'll blow up Humorix
World Headquarters!"

The FBI is tracking down Jason McDuff, but they haven't had
much luck so far.  One FBI agent said, "If we could monitor
non-military public computer networks we could find and
arrest this would-be domestic terrorist. Write your
Congressman!  We need the ability to spy on network
transmissions!  Civilian use of encryption should be
illegal!"  When we told the investigator that the bomb
threat was sent to us via snail mail, he responded, "So
then we need to monitor first-class mail!  Write your
Congressman!  The FBI should be able to open up mail at
random so we can fight terrorism and crime and protect the
children!"

We don't have much faith that law enforcement will catch
the McDuff.  If his threats continue we'll just send him
the $15,000 he demands.  $15K is, after all, a drop in the
bucket compared to the vast fortune we've just acquired. 
Not that we're bragging or anything.

All of the capital raised in the IPO will be used to offer
new services and features at the Humorix PORTAL website. 
Some of the new features we are launching include:


Humorix Contest '99
-------------------

As a promotional gimmick we are holding a contest with such
prizes as:

- a lifetime @i-want-a-website.com email alias
- a guided tour of Humorix World Headquarters
- an original copy of three never-published Humorix
  articles.
- a $19.95 credit at Humorix's new E-Commerce Shop.

To enter, send an email containing your name, email
address, postal address, Social Security Number or
equivalent, birthday, shoe size, bank account number, fast
food preference, ISP password, and PGP private key. 
Winners will be picked at random from the entries that we
receive. 


HumorXChange
------------

HumorXChange is an innovative system allowing people to
produce humor material in exchange for cold, hard cash*. 
Humor patrons will offer bounties to humorists who create a
desired piece of humor material (a fake news article poking
fun at ESR, a "Microsoft Acquires..." joke, a Jon Katz
parody, etc.). This "Open Humor" exchange system is similar
to projects like CoSource and SourceXChange.

Watch next week for a press release containing more details
about this exciting new program and information about
signing up to beta-test the system.

*Note: When we say "cold, hard cash", we mean "credits to
buy Humorix merchandise".


PortalMaker 1.0
---------------

The Humorix Software Development Labs has created
PortalMaker(tm), a set of Perl scripts that can help you
create your own Linux portal website in under 10 minutes. 
Armed with PortalMaker(tm) and Humorix's Linux Portal
Mini-HOWTO[2], you can effortlessly establish your own
portal and instantly become wealthy.*

The Regular Version is available for US$19.95 from
Humorix's new E-commerce site.  The Deluxe Version, which
includes documentation, is available for the trivial cost
of only US$39.95.

*Note: The PortalMaker End User License Agreement prohibits
you from using the software to create a portal website that
could potentially compete with Humorix in any way.


Humorix Community
-----------------

We have plans to offer several free community enriching features
at our portal website, including:

- Free web-based email and URL redirection at your choice
  of domains: linuxzealot.org, linuxlonghair.org,
  linuxfreak.org, flamingzealot.org,
  bill-gates-is-satan.org, invest-in-FAUX.com,
  portal-portal-portal.com, tanstaafl.org, or
  i-hate-winmodems.org.

- Free instant messenger software and service via Humorix's
  new proprietary InstaHumorix(tm) protocol.   

- Free access to our NNTP server which features such
  newsgroups as slashdot.addiction.twelve.steps,
  bob-metcalfe.sucks.ether, humorix.rocks,
  humorix.stock.investment.tips,
  kde-vs-gnome.flame.flame.flame, and
  penguin.mating.habits.

- Free "Flame Your Congressman" feature allowing you to
  speak out against the latest bonehead bill that's been
  discussed on Slashdot.

- Free online auctions where you can buy or sell domain
  names, low-numbered Slashdot accounts, overpriced
  shrinkwrapped Red Hat products, "Honk If You Hate
  Microsoft" bumper stickers, and other merchandise.


Keep your eyes peeled for more Humorix PORTAL features that
will be announced in the coming weeks.  And don't forget to
invest in our stock!


[1] http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=99/07/28/1317203
[2] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/may99.shtml#Portal-HOWTO

---

James "Millionaire" Baughn
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/

-
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
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