humor: may 26 -- Baseball Quotes

[Nick Brown <nbrown@polymail.cpunix.calpoly.edu>]

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                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List
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Baseball Quotes Hall of Fame  by Bill Marsano
Excerpted from "Kiwi In Flight" magazine, Oct/Nov 94 issue

"I knew I was in for a long year when we lined up for the national
anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear
that song I have a bad game.'"
 -- Pittsburgh Pirates manager Jim Leyland, 1986

"A shave, please, but don't cut my throat.
I may want to do it later myself."
 -- Casey Stengel to his barber, when
    he managed the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1935

"When Charlie Finley had his heart operation
it took eight hours. Seven just to find his heart."
 -- Oakland A's pitcher Steve McCatty, 1981

"I get tired of hearing my ballplayers bellyache all the time. They
should sit in the press box sometime and watch themselves play."
 -- San Diego Padres president Buzzie Bavasi, 1973

"He'd go into the vault to get a nickel change."
 -- St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Enos "Country" Slaughter,
    pn general manager Branch Rickey, 1934

"It's a good thing Babe Ruth isn't still here --
George would have him bat seventh and say he's overweight."
 -- New York Yankees third baseman Craig Nettles on owner
    George Steinbrenner (a.k.a. Babe Ruthless)

"Look at him. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't chew
and he doesn't stay out late -- and he still can't hit."
 -- Casey Stengel as Yankees manager in 1956,
    on second baseman Bobby Richardson

"If he raced his pregnant wife he'd finish third."
 -- Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda,
    on catcher Mide Scioscia, 1988

"The Mets have shown me ways to lose I never even knew existed."
 -- Casey Stengel, 1962

"I told him I wasn't tired. He told me,
'No, but the outfielders sure are.'"
 -- Texas Rangers pitcher Jim Kern on the manager
    who removed him from a game, 1979

"Our pain isn't as bad as you might think.
Dead people don't suffer."
 -- Red Sox pitcher Bill Lee, whose team had blown six games
    against the Yankees late in the 1978 season

"The last time I saw anything like this I was
playing for Tastee Freeze in the Little League."
 -- Houston Astros pitcher Dave Smigh, after his team fell behind
    the Cincinnati Reds by 14 runs -- in the first inning.


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The Japanese Haiku poem has a specific
structure.  The number of syllables on
each line must follow the pattern 5/7/5.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

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                      humor                            1.94.3+
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