Jokes: Misc. Jokes

[Eric Thelin <eric@generation-i.com>]

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chineseman with
a long grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man.  "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition.  If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three
worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the dughter came down the stairs.  She was young, beautiful
and had a fantastic body.  She was obviously attracted to the young man
as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed
alone.  During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her
room for a night of passion.  He was careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room,
exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.  Opening his eyes he saw a
large rock
on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1:  Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's petty crap," he thought.  "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up,
walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.  As he did so, he noticed
another note on it that read

"Chinese Torture 2:  Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to
taut.  Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he
jumped
out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground
that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

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A mother takes her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy
Friday. They get into line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business
outfit complete with a pager. As the mother waits patiently her son
looks at the women in front of him and observes loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's
fat." At which the lady looks at the boy, makes eye contact with the
mother and gives an understanding smile. The mother quietly reprimands
her son.  After a minute or two the boy spreads his hands as far as they
will go and loudly says, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the
lady glares at the little boy and his mother and the embarrassed mother
severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes the boy states
loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turns and tells
the mother to control her rude child and the mother threatens him with
his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady gets
to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive
tone at which the little boy yells in panic at the top of his voice,
"Run for your life Mom, she's backing up!!!!"

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                  Why Dogs are Better then Women

 
Dogs dont cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs dont care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good looking dog.
Dogs don't shop.
A dogs parents never visit.
Dogs don't mind if you give there offspring away.
Dogs time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs dont expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call him by another dogs name.
A dogs disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can 
     shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher, or Barbara Streisand album.
No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
Dogs dont worry about germs.
Dogs dont want to know about every dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk
     in the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs dont let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs dont borrow your shirts.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.

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Secret for a Long, Happy Life:
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a
chair on his porch.  "I couldn't help noticing how happy
you look," she said.  "What's your secret for a long happy
life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.  "I
also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods,
and never exercise."
"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.


A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit.  He
noticed a police car with its flashers on in his rear view mirror.  He
thought, "I can outrun this guy," so he floored it and the race was on.
The cars were racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured "What the heck,"
gave up, and pulled over to the curb.
The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car.  He
leaned down and said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I
just want to go home.  Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off
with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror,
I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to
me!"
The officer let him go.


"A Heartwarming Story"

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a
junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly.

Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for
the aged. All my people are gone.  It's nice to know that someone
thinks of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate
is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to
it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It
was awful.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said screw you.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston