Joke: Redneck Jokes

[Eric Thelin <eric@generation-i.com>]

Some funny redneck/Southerner jokes.

Jeff Foxworthy from the Tonight Show.  He defined rednecks as those "having
the glorious absence of sophistication, no matter where they live".

The Top 39 Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say:
39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex".
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Redneck say is--
1. Elvis who?

Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!

Hilbilly Bride
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.  The husband
jumps
into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of
the
bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you.
I'm
a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of
his
lungs.  He heads straight to his father's house.  When he gets there, his
father
says, "Son, what are you doing here?  You're supposed to be on your
honeymoon!"

The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers.  She's a
virgin!"

"God, son!  You did the right thing by leaving.  If she wasn't good enough
for
her family, she sure as heck isn't good enough for ours!"


Southern Regions of the Country.
1)   Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will be instructed later how to
use
it.
2)   If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba".
You
have a 75% chance of being right.
3)   Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.  Stay
home
the two days of the year it snows.
4)   If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab
of a
four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly.
Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.
5)   Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6)   Do not buy food at the movie store.
7)   If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone
eating.
8)   Remember:"Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
9)   There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent,
unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10)  Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11)  People walk slower here.
12)  Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.  They don't
understand
you either.
13)  The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol'
boy."
Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this
expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14)  The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.  Be advised:  The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16.  If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last
shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17)  If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of
his
way.   These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18)  Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate,
you
may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19)  Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's
windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20)  The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
November.
22)  If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence as required at the local
grocery
store.  It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just
something you're supposed to do.
23)  Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.  When you purchase one
it
is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical
bearing
in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should,
therefore, be displayed.
24)  Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common.
In
either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
25)  Florida is not considered a southern state.  There are far more Yankees
than Southerners living there.
26)  In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and
Honor".
You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," "Good Laud," and
"Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
27)  As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly
in
the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of
vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position
for
the vehicle.
28)  You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know
the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it
yourself.

We've heard them before but I think they are still funny.  You might be a
redneck if.....
1.More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2.Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3.You've ever used lard in bed.
4.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6.There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house.
7.You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8.Fewer than half of your cars run.
9.Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State
Trooper to kiss her ass.
10.The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11.You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and
seductive
tongue gestures.
12.You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and
cousin
Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13.Your family tree doesn't fork.
14.Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15.Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports
event.
16.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
17.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
18.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
19.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
20.You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the
Bandit"
was snubbed for best picture.
21.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle
of
ketchup.
22.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
23.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
24.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
25.You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
26.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
27.Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
28.You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
29.Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
30.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
31.The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell
are
you looking at, Shithead?"
32.You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
33.You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
34.The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!"
"HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a
redneck
too!)
35.You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
36.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on
the
lube rack.
37.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
38.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all
time.
39.You've been too drunk to fish.
40.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
41.You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
42.You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
43.You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
44.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
45.Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove
the
wheels and skirt.
46.You've ever financed a tattoo.
47.Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
48.You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
49.You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
50.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
51.Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
52.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
53.The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
54.Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
55.Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
56.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
57.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
58.Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
59.You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
60.Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
61.You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
62.You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
63.You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
time
call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
64.Redman sends you a Christmas card.
65.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
66.Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
67.Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
68.Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
69.You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on
My
Mind".
70.You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
71.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in
prison.
72.You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
73.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House
of
Tattoos.
74.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
75.After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
76.The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H
Fair.
77.You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
78.Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush
it."
79.Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
80.You mow your lawn and find a car.
81.If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on
shoes
(if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
82.You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you
only
need to buy one gift.
83.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South
will rise again.
84.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
85.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
86.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
87.You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
88.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel
shirt and thermal underwear.
89.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your
truck.
90.You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
91.You've ever made change in the offering plate.
92.If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
93.You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm
below
the shirt sleeve...
94.You own at least 20 baseball hats.
95.You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball
hat.
96.You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
97.When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
98.Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what
hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
99.Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
100.When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
Beurau
of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if
you
can loose them or not.
101. You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
102.Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
103."Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake
set?"
is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
104.Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
105.You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
106.You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
107.Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
108.You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
109.You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
110.You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
111.You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
112.You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
fireplace.
113.You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
114.There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
115.The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
116.It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
117.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
three of
the primary colors.
118.You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your
sister's honor.
119.You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
120.Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
121.The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
122.Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
123.The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
124.Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma
a
new plug of tobacco
125.Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
126.Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
127.Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
128.You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
129.You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
130.When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
jeans.
131.Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the
wheels off his doublewide
132.Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home
town.
133.You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a
hickey.
134.Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in
the
truck.
135."Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the
local bar.
136.Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new
Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
137.You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
138.You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will
Always
Love You".
139.Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Granof course this is a
very
sophisticay
sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a
redneck, only they will get this one.)
140.You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
141.Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
(Clinton
true-life story)
142.The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record
collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
143.You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan
Jackson.
144.You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
145.You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
146.You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
147.Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
148.You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
149.Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
150.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
151.The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much
gas
it has in it.
152.Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom
was
flooded.
153.On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
154.During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
155.You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets
light.
156.On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the
tractor.
157.Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
158.You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
159.In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
160.Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
161.You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen,
start
your engines." or "Play Ball..."
162.Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
163.Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
164.You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
165.You bring your dog to work with you.

 WARNING: IF TWENTY OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU....YOU ARE A
REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP IMMEDIATELY!