Joke: Funnies

[Eric Thelin <eric@generation-i.com>]

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a  leaky
tire.

  I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts
  and...

  Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.

  Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later,
you'll
inhale a bee.

  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,  for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me  alone.

  If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another  road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.

  If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets  the
message across like a good mooning.

  When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog  run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.

  It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

  A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That  way,
when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it andrun your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.

  Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:

  the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

  Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are
down.

  Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
neighbor's car!

  When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember
that
all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian  burn.

  This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a  blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

  It's a small world. So you gotelbows a lot.

  Ke to the grindstonee grindstone and your sh and your shoulder to the  wheel...it's
cheaper than plastic surgery.

  This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

  Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to  get off,
and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.