Joke: Airplane Humor

[Eric Thelin <eric@generation-i.com>]

Thanks to Keith Sullivan for collecting these actual
(or reported) humorous statements by airline flight
crew memberss.re are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of
 an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning.  As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining,
and the birds are singing.  We are going to Charlotte, where it's
dark, windy and raining.  Why in the world y'all wanna go there I
really don't know."

Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from
the overhead bins.  The head steward announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Here are a few heard from Northwest:  "Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.  Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting
like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:  "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...  Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight."

Upon landing hard, one pilot got on the PA system and said,
"Sorry for the hard landing, folks.  It wasn't the pilot's fault,
and it wasn't the plane's fault.  It was the asphalt."



===================\
COMPUTER ONE LINERS \======================
From: Walker Family <walkers4@pacbell.net>
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 Stack Overflow:  Too many pancakes...

 Capt'n!  The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!

 C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.

 ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.

 How do I set my laser printer on stun?

 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'

 '.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'

 According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

 It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!