[humorix] Microsoft Acquires Nothing

[Eric Thelin <eric@generation-i.com>]

Microsoft Acquires Nothing
September 9, 1998

REDMOND, WA -- In an unprecedented move, Microsoft
refrained from acquiring any rival companies for a full
week.  "I can't believe it," one industry analyst noted. 
"This is the first time in years that I haven't read any
headlines about Microsoft acquiring something."

The lack of Microsoft assimilation this week left a vacuum
in computer industry publications.  "Microsoft acquisition
stories make up 10% of our headlines," an editor at
Ziff-Slavis said.  "We had to scramble to fill this void. 
We ran some controversial Jesse Berst columns instead,
hoping that we could recoup ad revenue from people reading
all the flames in the Talk Back forums.  Jessie Burst
forums account for 15% of our total ad revenue."

InfoPlanet also faced a small crisis in filling its
headlines.  "We were so desperate for news that we ran a
story about Mark McGwire.  Since  the groundskeeper who
caught home run 62 uses Linux at home, we were able to
justify this as computer news.  Sort of.  Okay, maybe not."

Industry pundits are at a loss to explain the cease in
Microsoft acquisitions. "They can't innovate products by
themselves.  They have to acquire ideas from other
companies.  If Microsoft doesn't start assimilating some
more companies soon, they could be in big trouble," Bob Y.
Cringely said.   Another pundit observed, "Bill must be on
vacation or something.  This can't be right.  Maybe
Microsoft is worried about the upcoming anti-trust court
case?  I'm surprised Microsoft hasn't acquired a couple of
Seattle law firms yet."