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If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's
okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him
to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're
in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and
take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good
costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.
But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your
little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice
of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out
of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish
pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace
treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly
act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself.
For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally
you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful
swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again.
Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people
might actually think that.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each
year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!,
I'd have all my money back.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those
ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw
skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is
reserved for skeletons."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over
to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.