Humor: Stories of "induhviduals"

[jondd@juno.com (Jon D Dayley)]

These are good.


>>True Stories From Induhviduals
>>-------------------------------
>>
>>Induhviduals continue to amuse us.  These reports are
>>just in from DNRC operatives in the field:
>>
>>-----
>>
>>A few months ago I went to a deli during my lunch break.
>>Guess what the special was?  A "bowel" of soup -- only
>>$1.00!  I asked if it was pea soup, but the conversation with the 
>owner went downhill from there.
>>
>>-----
>>
>>I work on the help desk here, and have just gotten off the
>>phone with a customer who was asking us about her
>>network connection. She insisted that the 3com card in her PC was not
>>powerful enough for her needs and that she had "looked into it" and 
>had decided she wanted a 4com card instead as they were obviously
better.
>>
>>-----
>>
>>This report is from a DNRC operative in a high school
>>physics class:
>>
>>Two girls working on a lab project were trying
>>unsuccessfully to light their alcohol burner.  My lab partner and I 
>offered our assistance.  One of the girls asked why her burner didn't
have a 
>"fuzzy thing" (referring to the wick) like all the others.  I took it
out of 
>her hands, and removed the cap that goes on the wick during
>>storage.  She had been trying to light a piece of steel on
>>fire for five minutes.
>>
>>-----
>>
>>We were watching TV when an ad came on for "The
>>Club" car theft prevention device.  The Individual in the
>>room said, "Who would want to steal a steering wheel?"
>>
>>------
>>
>>I work in tech support.  An end-user called and reported,
>>"My computer is making a strange noise."  We visited the
>>site and identified the problem: a pager (set on vibrate) in
>>his drawer.
>>
>>[Editor's note:  Later that day he called the Men's
>>Wearhouse 800 number to report that his pants were
>>making a strange noise.]
>>
>>------
>>
>>Our soda machine had an out-of-order sign taped over
>>the money slot. The Induhvidual walked up, lifted the
>>piece of paper, and inserted his dollar. He was still
>>cursing the machine for stealing his money as I walked back to my 
>office.
>>
>>[Editor's note: Induhviduals are an excellent way to keep
>>your "cost of goods sold" expenses low.]
>>
>>------
>>
>>One of our departments here at Microsoft ordered a new
>>computer for one of our projects.  It gets shipped with
>>MICROSOFT in prominent letters on the shipping label.
>>Imagine our surprise when we found a bootleg copy of
>>Microsoft Windows preinstalled onthe machine.  Talk
>>about a feat truly worthy of Induhvidualness.
>>
>>------
>>
>>My co-worker asked our new Admin Assistant to
>>schedule a meeting with a group of people.  The Admin
>>scheduled the meeting but didn't invitethe person who
>>had asked her to set up the meeting.
>>
>>[Editor's note:  Hey, she's not a mind reader.]
>>
>>------
>>
>>This one's a double sighting:
>>
>>I stopped off at the gas station to fill up my car.  I pumped
>>in $18.50 worth of gas and went to pay.  In front of me in
>>line was a guy (obviously from out of town) asking for
>>directions and signing a VISA slip.  When that guy left,
>>the fun began:
>>
>>CLERK: "Can I help you?"
>>
>>ME: "I'm the $18.50 charge."
>>
>>CLERK (confused): "Sorry, there's no charges on the
>>computer.  But I just charged that last guy $18.50."
>>
>>ME (very pleased): "You mean that guy paid for my gas?"
>>
>>CLERK: "No, he was just in here asking for directions."
>>
>>ME: "Then why did you charge him $18.50."
>>
>>CLERK: "Ummmm...excuse me!"
>>
>>Then he ran out of the booth, but alas the other
>>Induhvidual had left.  I wonder if the other Induhvidual
>>thinks people in my city always charge $18.50 for
>>directions.
>>
>>[Editor's Note:  The lesson here is that if someone asks
>>you for directions, ask for their credit card and charge
>>them.  You might get lucky.  In fact, it's a safe bet that the
>>Induhvidual in the story is still lost, and that's easy money
>>for whoever runs into that person next.]
>>
>>
>>------
>>
>>I am at a fast order restaurant at one of our local
>>universities.  I order a BLT.  The Induhvidual behind the
>>counter asked if I would like lettuce and tomato with that.
>>
>>I suppose I *could* have just wanted a B.
>>
>>[Editor's note:  I think a BLT should be called a BLTT to
>>include the "toast" in the recipe.  That would clear up a lot
>>of confusion.]
>>
>>------
>>
>>My wife was reading your latest newsletter and said,
>>"individual" is spelled wrong all over this document.
>>
>>[Editor's Note:  It's okay to marry Induhviduals as long as
>>you're only doing it for the laughs.]
>>
>>------
>>
>>
>>My science class teacher was going to show us an x-ray
>>of a man's chest.  Before he placed it on the overhead
>>projector, he cautioned us that the long white line
>>attached to the solid white disk was NOT a yo-yo that the
>>person had swallowed.  It was a pacemaker.  After the x-ray
>>had been on the overhead a couple of seconds, the
>>most outspoken Induhvidual in the class asked in a
>>perplexed tone, "He swallowed a PACEMAKER?"
>>
>>-------
>>
>>Our company requires us to fill out weekly time sheets
>>and turn them in to the Executive VP (a practice going
>>back 8+ years).  It turns out he never wanted them, so he
>>made a rule today that we need to give them directly to
>>the VP of Development.  The VP of Development does
>>not want them.  The company policy of filling out
>>timesheets will not change in the near future.   So now
>>we are required to fill out timesheets fully, and then throw
>>them out.
>>
>>[Editor's Note:  A good way to identify Induhviduals in
>>your company is by looking for the people who do the
>>most thorough job of recording their time.]
>>
>>-------
>>
>>The sign on the front of the Taco Bell in my town says:
>>
>>"We have tacos."
>>
>>I went in to verify this fact for myself.  It turns out that they
>>do sell tacos, never bells.  The sign was very helpful.
>>
>>-------
>>
>>Here's a true story: The receptionist's intercom buzzes,
>>and an Induhvidual's voice comes through, calling out,
>>"hello, hello?"
>>
>>But the receptionist had stepped away from her desk.
>>Two seconds later, the buzzer sounds again, and it's the
>>same guy, calling "hello, hello?"
>>
>>Still no answer. Next thing you know, the guy comes all
>>the way down the hall from his office, bumps into the
>>receptionist, and tells her her intercom doesn't work.
>>
>>He runs back to his office to prove it to her. "Hello, hello?"
>>
>>She responds, and he excitedly comes all the way back
>>down the hall to her desk to tell her it works now, it must
>>be fixed! She looks at him funny, and he goes all the way
>>back to his office, then buzzes her again, "Hello, hello?"
>>
>>"Yes," she replies.
>>
>>"Can you bring me that file from your desk?"
>>
>>
>>Prank Report
>>------------
>>
>>Just when you think the educational system is in decay,
>>along comes an inspirational story like this one:
>>
>>
>>Dear Scott,
>>
>>Just a quick report about the success of the joke I played
>>on the faculty of Los Gatos High School (SF Bay Area).
>>The idea came from your newsletter which suggested
>>"converting" a copier to voice activation. The faculty
>>copiers already have electronic boxes which require a
>>password to be entered. I decided to convert one to voice
>>activation. On 4/1/97 I attached to the copier in the faculty
>>workroom a cheap microphone and a label with the
>>following instructions: This copier control is now voice
>>activated. Please state your name and department in a
>>loud, clear voice into the microphone. Almost every
>>teacher that used the copier fell for it. Some even
>>returned later in the day to see if it was working yet. It will
>>be hard to top this one in the future, thanks for the great
>>idea.
>>
>>--- end of report ---
>>
>>[Editor's note:  I am wiping a small tear from my eye.  I couldn't be
>>prouder.]