funny things

[Brian Cluff <fm@generation-i.com>]

42 ways to get electric power from hamsters

Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster.
    Use in series for higher voltage. -gwh 

Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static 
    electricity. 

Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA
    batteries. 

Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a
    trampoline. 

Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine. 

Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists
    and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric 
    current.  

Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to   
    generate electricity.  

Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years,
    drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine. 

Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine.  No explanation necessary.  -seano 

Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.  -seano 

Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters.
    Install turbine halfway down cliff. 

Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach
    generator. 

Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small
    portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure
    center. Watch him generate his little heart out! 

Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks.  Add 
    water.  Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition.  Collect 
    methane gas resulting.  Put gas in fuel cells.   

Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a
    waterwheel for hydroelectric power. 

Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run
    hydroelectric generator. 

Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles.
    Heat steam turbine. 

Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines.
    Saved electricity will be enormous.   Cover performance loss by
    releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time. -gwh 

Build glass room.  Put hamsters inside.  Put cocaine inside.
    Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling. -gwh 

Have hamster steal one of kube's magic cards.  Leech power from
    resulting nuclear strike. 

Teach hamsters to play blackjack.  Once they're at the competitive
    level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters.
    Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc. -gwh 

Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes
    the mass to shrink and heat up.  Use thermocouples to generate energy.
-gwh 

Raid PG&E corporate headquarters.  Threaten to drop hamster down 
    CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant. -gwh 

Get several dozen hamsters.  Shoot them up with crystal meth.  Attach
    dog sled. 

(This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them)
    Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster
    if you will.  Then harness the massive energy release for power.... 

Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster,
    Darth Hamster.  This should be good for 4-6 sequels.  Install tension to
    electricity converters into theatre. -gwh  

    
Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
    
Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because 
        they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
    
Feed the hamsters.
    
Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
    
Periodically drain off the voltage.
        fortunately, this only gets you DC current.
    
P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as
well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some
posphorous and iron and stuff) 

Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you
    power for free. 

Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning-
    breathing hamster as power source. 

Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more power
    from the dilithium crystals. 

Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will
    heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the
    planets temperature as much as you want. 

Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red & 
    embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine 

Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to 
    begin hamsterfusion in the core.  Use solar cells to convert radioation 
    to electricity.  - seano 

Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes 
    supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that... 

Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting 
    neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity 
    waves to rotate hydro-turbine. 

Take five or six hits of acid.  Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters 
    _are_ electricity.  (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?) 
    Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got
    electricity.
    (I say "five or six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly
    clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an
    make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese 
    practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take five
    hits or so. QED.) 

Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled 
    wires. 

Reduce hamster to their component atoms.  Compress the resulting plasma
    until it fuses.  Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy
    conversion scheme of your choice. -ERic 

Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti-
    matter.  Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster.  Harness the 
    resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above. -ERic 

Drop hamster into black hole.  Use photovoltaics to release the radiated
    energy. -Eric 

It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are
    symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation 
    and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry.  It is trivial
    to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into 
    their anti-particles.  Use this to show that plucking hamsters from
mirrors
    will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation.  (Hint: Do you need to
    pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?)
    Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan. Mech._ 

Put female hamster scent on glass rod.  Release male hamster.  He will
    try to rub his furry coat against glass rod.  Drawback:  only creates 
    static electricty.