HUMOR - Technical Support

["Paul Scivetti" <sysop@ns.cmgate.com>]

I got this from one of my users - it brightened an otherwise dreary 
day.  Enjoy!


TECH SUPPORT

Anytime you feel dumb, don't worry.  Check out the following excerpts from a
Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton, and you'll realize there are lots
of people in the world far, far more idiotic than you could ever possibly be.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on.  The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.  After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was
found that the customer labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
 A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and close the door.  The customer asked the tech to hold on, and
was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close
the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything.  After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech
suggested he go to the local Egghead.  "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,"
the customer replied.  When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,
"Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked.  He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because
his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".  The tech explained
that the computers "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken
personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new
Dell Computer to turn on.  After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.  Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."  The
"foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer
wouldn't work.  She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there
for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.  When asked what happened
when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech:   "Yes, it is.  How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period.  How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech:   "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech:   "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am.  Did
you receive this as a part of a promotion, at a trade show?  How did you get
this cup holder?  Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It just came with my computer.  I don't know anything about a
promotion.  It just has '4x' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand
it.  The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup
holder, and had snapped it off the drive!

Paul Scivetti
Central Minnesota Gateway, Inc.
sysop@cmgate.com

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