humor

[Brian Cluff <fm@generation-i.com>]

If Operating Systems were Beer:
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can.  Originally only came in an 8-oz.
can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can.  However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2-oz. each, which have to be accessed separately.  Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's
no longer available.

Mac Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. 
Considered by many to be a "light" beer.  All the cans look identicle.  When you
take one from the fridge, it opens itself.  The ingredients list is not on the
can.  If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
need to know".  A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the
trash can.

Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular.  Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a
lot like Mac Beer's.  Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.  Clains that it
allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaniously, but in reality you can
only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking
Windows Beer at the same time.  Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of
Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz. can.  Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaniously.  Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaniously too, but
somewhat slower.  Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them,
even if you shake them up.  You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but
the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim its wonderful. 
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It
comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz. beer
in them.  Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their
friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it.  The ingredients list, when
you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS
Beer, even though the manufacturer claims this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only but it by the truckload.  This causes most
people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators.  The can looks just like
Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like
Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only
for use in bars.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz. to
64-oz.  Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they
claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.  Sometimes the
pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can
opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set
of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
This company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by
some wierd German company, so now this beer will be an import.  This beer never
really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand
marketing.  Like Unix Beer, Amiga Beer fans are an extremely loyal group. It
originally came in 16-oz. cans but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.  When this can
was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design
hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears out-dated now.  Critics of
this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping.  Best drunk in high pressure enviroments.  When you call the
manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and
referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA.  Rumors are
that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer,
but no one can claim to have actually seen it.


 If Operating Systems Were Airlines If Operating Systems Were Airlines
Dos Air
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the
ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the 
air, hop on, etc.

Mac Airways
The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel
the same and  act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they
reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you 
please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airline
The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants all attractive, the pilots
capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet
takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet
it explodes without a warning.

OS2 Skyways
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers
milling about. The announcers says that their flight has just
departed, wishes them a good flight, although there are no planes on
the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely to
customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek,
powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each 
passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how
much safer it will be than Windows Airline, but that they will have
to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT
All the passengers carry their seats onto the tarmac, placing the chairs
in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap there arms and make
jet swooshing sounds as if they were flying.

Unix Express
All passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with
them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly
about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together.
Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build several different
aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually
reach their destinations. All passengers believe the got there.

-- 
  ("`-''-/").___..--''"`-._        
   `6_ 6  )   `-.  (     ).`-.__.`)
   (_Y_.)'  ._   )  `._ `. ``-..-' 
 _..`--'_..-_/  /--'_.' ,'         
(il).-''  (li).'  ((!.-'