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humor: oct 21 -- English Well Speeched Here

                              Nick's G-Rated Humor List

My name is Russell Mitchell. I noted that Mr. Johnson had overlooked
a few lost members of the Tate clan. There's the traveling magician,
Levi Tate, who's "out of the box" thinking is always befuddling his
accountant cousin, Compu Tate. And then there's Uncle Ro Tate's
(already mentioned) kindred spirit, little Mu Tate, who has taken
the art of changing things around to its fundamental limits.
There's the nurturing matron of the clan, Ges Tate. Finally, the
final standard by which all of our successes are measured, the
venerable great Es Tate.

Thanks, Russell.  Do you know how the Tate family fortune came about?
Old grandpa Es Tate made magnetic compasses.  He sold a lot of them,
and bailed out just before people realized they were defective.
Now everyone knows that "He Who Has a Tate is Lost!"

The following are from a collection of signs
from around the world.  The list was compiled
by Richard Lederer.

"English Well Speeched Here"

The sign in a Norwegian lounge reads:
    "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room:
    "If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it."

An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you:
    "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

In a certain African hotel you may choose between:
    "A room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country."

A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read:
    "Come inside and have a fit."

This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator:
    "The lift is being fixed for the next days. During that
time we regret that you will be unbearable."

The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you:
    "If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for
room service. This will be enough for you to bring your food up."

This sign was posted in a Scottish harbor:
    "For sale boat single owner green in colour."

A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer:
    "As for the trout served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be
singing its praise to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed."

A Seville tailor makes clear how he will handle commissions:
    "Order now your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation"

A dentist's doorway in Istanbul proclaims:
    "American dentist, 2th floor. Teeth extracted by latest methodists."

The concierge in a Sorrento hotel lets guests know he's on the job:
    "Contact the concierge immediately for informations. Please don't wait
last minutes then it will be too late to arrange any inconveniences."

Some German hospitals display the sign:
    "No children allowed in the maternity wards."

The sign at the concierge's desk in an Athens hotel reads:
    "If you consider our help impolite, you should see the manager."

A sign in a Kowloon hotel warns:
    "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels. Please if you are
not person to do such is please not to read notice."

A notice in a Vienna hotel urges:
    "In case of fire do your utmost to alarm the hall porter."

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              humor                            1.94.3+ 9908